diggin and tearin.

"And we can do the zarathustra
We can do the broken fist
We can tear down all the borders
Or abbreviate the list
And when finally the finish line
Emerges from the mist we'll sound
A soft alarm"

-clap your hands say yeah

Listen to Me

things. but not 25. that's a lot of things. some might say too many.

1. sometimes when i mouth lyrics to songs you can hear me sort of actually singing with it.
2. i think drinking a glass or two of wine at home alone is standard.
3. i have five pillows, but i dont use them when i sleep, save for one, which i put over my head.
4. my over head light went out last week and i have no way to change it because my ceilings are very high, and i am very short.
5. a good friend's mom once approached me asking if i was still eating. that was weird because i've always been about the same size.
6. losing jewelry kills me. i hate it. no one likes it. but i still think about the earring i lost at camp birch knoll — the one that fell out when i was playing my tennis racket like a guitar to a matchbox 20 tune in the summer of 1997.
7. it took me 19 years to get macked on. but i was still a teenager, so whew.
8. i've been reading atlas shrugged since august. and im ashamed to say i haven't finished it yet. ugh.
9. i stole a necklace from Joy Time, my preschool, on accident, but kept it because i didn't know how to explain it was just an accident. since no one noticed, i figured i could get away with it. my thievery lives on, though, as in my preschool pictures, im sporting that very necklace.
10. periodically i will say things like, "isn't it great that we can do whatever we want?" and people don't get it. but we really can. i mean, there are consequences, or whatever, but if i want to i can do it.

scratch that. real guilty pleasures. not even guilty.

guilty pleasure.

katy perry. "You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong"

shrugging.

"Later, when they told her that Ellis Wyatt had vanished, leaving nothing behind but a board he had nailed to a post at the foot of the hill, when she looked at his handwriting on the board, she felt as if she had almost known that these would be the words:

'I am leaving it as I found it. Take over. It's yours.'"

-End of Non-Contradiction, Part I, Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand.

Five Things I Love.

1. when guys refer to girls they think are pretty as "adorable"
2. being a stickler about spelling, but lax about punctuation
3. that my brother kevin gave me the la dodgers teddy bear he won
4. revisiting my old favorite songs
5. feeling ready
6. my green j.crew hoodie
7. italics
8. rearranging furniture
9. gaelic music

"Cartoon Music For Superheroes." -Albert Hammond, Jr.

"'Goodnight,' I said to you, 'Goodnight'
Dream of all the impossible

And when wake you'll see
That all these dreams aren't fake
They're real
Not impossible

Believe you'll be alright
Sad things you keep inside
So go, tell me whats it's like
Tell me what you like about when you dream"

tune in

sometimes a good instrumental is all i need.

-albert hammond, jr. "spooky couch"

5 things. i. love.

in no specific order.
1. colleen marshall
2. larry marshall
3. timmy marshall
4. sean marshall
5. kevin marshall

probably one of my most favorite of marshall photos. it's gotten a lot of comments over the years on facebook.

another marshall classic. sweatpants. sneakers, faces. we're a regular group of charmers.

the times, the times. we all basically look the same.

Surfing.

I get it now.

"October and the trees are stripped bare of all they wear..."

I've got to get a pumpkin. When I was a little one, my mom used to take me and my siblings to a pumpkin patch up in Wisconsin just as October began, so we could carve out a set of eyes, a nose, and some sort of ominous smile more reminsicent of a prisoner who's gotten his teeth knocked out than a happy holiday treat. But first thing was first. Upon picking out our six pumpkins, all somehow representative of the person we were then (Larry's was mishapen but full of color; Colleen's wellrounded; Sean's a gord, whoops; mine a bright orange with spots of dirt smattered along the sides, just waiting to be wiped clean; and Tim and Kevin's, always miniature and less than ripe). The memories are clear, you see, because this part of our year was special to me. More special than dying Easter eggs on the floor of the kitchen, accidentally staining the carpet; more important than laying the Christmas presents beneath our pine; more important than all of that stuff -- because fall was here. Fall, with its crunching leaves under foot, with its array of colors that make my pale skin and auburn hair look good finally, with its soft, yet biting winds, not quite chilly enough for a hat, but perfectly content with a sweater. I still look forward to Fall more than any other time of year. Our dad would arrive home, always later than he intended, placing his keys and wallet on the antique foyer table before sneaking up behind us, reaching his large hands into the carved out tops of our creamsicle colored pumpkins, then shouting in his creepiest voice, "GUTS! Guts! Every! Where!" And our shrill undeveloped voices cried out all at once in fear, delight and excitement, "GUTS!" What's not to love about this scene? My dad once told me, after I'd asked him if he had always wanted a lot of children, that of course he did. It's like creating your own set of friends, special in a way that no other human beings can be.

"October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
October
And Kingdoms rise
And Kingdoms fall
But you go on...
...and on..."
-October, U2

Five Things I Love.

1. empty garbage cans
2. head massages
3. world market
4. tubby
5. burritos

things i think are lame:

1. when people say happy birfday.
2. waking up in a chilly room, dressing for a cold day, and then it being warm by 10 am.
3. people who intentionally start a bulleted list mixing numbers with letters and roman numerals, i.e. 1, b, III.
4. clicks
5.

that's it for today.

best customer.

I am Dayquil and Nyquil's best customer.

There are certain things I wished I'd kept better track of, the first of which being the amount of Day and Nyquil I've ingested, and the second being, how much cash money I've spent on both of these products.

lately.

lately i've been feeling as if i've missed or am missing out on essential life experiences. the strange thing about it, however, is that i feel like it's too late to now experience these things. part of the allure of certain experiences is the time in which they happen. for me, time has passed, and now i'm in a weird state.

i feel as though someone might know what i mean, or may relate, regardless of what that "thing" may be.

Noticing.

1. Phrases like "You've got a chip on your shoulder" and "You're a chip off the ol' block" seem to interface in an interesting manner.
2. Getting the afternoon off is a throwback to those stints in education, and are perhaps the most underrated good thing life has to offer.
3. Sleeping with a Teddy Bear and sleeping next to a human being can sometimes be synonymous, though I'm sure everyone has a preference.
4. Seeing families, watching shows, and working sets my to do list into a tight chaos.
5. September is like a ping pong match, with each day flipping from hot to cold faster than the start of a relationship.
6. Curtains, rugs and wall art make a house livable.
7. There's nothing like indulging in something you've been thinking about for a long while. For me, it's usually a burrito.
8. Waiting until the end of the week to clean up is super annoying. What's worse is wanting to clean, but having no time!
9. I dislike using exclamation points, but find myself using them a lot, especially in texts and instant messenger. They make all the difference when it comes to tone of voice. That bothers me.

My Love Letter

Dear Cookies,
Dear Burritos,
Dear Skinny Jeans,
Dear Family,
Dear Improv,
Dear Laughter,
Dear Good Movies,
Dear Music,
Dear Imagination,
Dear Friends,
Dear Loves,
Dear Art,
Dear Sweatshirts,
Dear Museums,
Dear Books,
Dear You, and anyone or thing else that's touched me,

I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I'm sorry if I forget about you sometimes, and I'm sorry if I don't give you all your due. But, I love you. I love you so much that hyperbole doesn't even begin to encapsulate this reality. So, just know that.

Ex-Oh-Ex-Oh, Gossip Girl.

I kid because I love you too much to be serious all the time. If I were my heart would break, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it.

-B

a sincere thank you

in keeping with this desire to express myself, as ms. madonna insists i should, i have some heartfelt sentiments to send out.

1. thank you to my friends. seriously. thank you. thank you for not dismissing my sarcasm as cruelty. thank you for realizing my intentions even when they seem vague or insincere. you know they're not, and i appreciate that beyond comprehension. thank you for opening up my heart to all you have to offer as i realize my own potential. thank you for accepting my faults, helping me get past my self-imposed boundaries and loving me for all that i am. and thank you for never ignoring me.
2. thank you to my family. again. this is serious. i love you. i love you more than i can put words to and the thought of you in any sort of painful situation, physical or otherwise, literally make me tear up. my heart breaks at these mere thoughts. even as i write these words my heart is racing and my eyes are welling up. i love you. i love you so much.
3. to my new friends. i am a "jar with a heavy lid," and maybe this defense mechanism isn't the best choice, but i do believe in the validity of having a thick door to break down, and i commend you if you even try. i'm not difficult to see through if you take the time. i just seem like it. but. i do believe that when it comes down to it honesty, availability, and the ability to take life with a grain of salt are prerequisites —

so, if you like, go on this journey with me. i'm a good friend, a solid listener and someone that will bring you a smile when you feel like crying. just let me.

Best Morning Ever.

*Wake up late.
*Make coffee.
*Eat two biscotti.
*All while watching Veronica Mars.

Love it.

Sliding Doors.

The tricky thing about getting to know someone lies in the opportunity to do so. Opportunity missed is the single worst thing that can befall anyone. Feeling jipped in any context is a straight burn. I've been thinking lately, perhaps too much, but in any case, I've been thinking, and I've come to some conclusions.

Let me enlighten you, or at least explain away myself. I've come to the conclusion that:
1. Not everyone is going to like you, and yes, it will bug you, and you'll try and change yourself, but in the end, you're all you have, so like yourself.
2. Needing a second, third or fourth chance really just solidifies what the first found.
3. For me, words speak louder than actions because I don't mind doing things or being alone, but there's only so much I can say to myself to feel better when I need a pick-me-up. The heartfelt sentiments of others does wonders on this girl.

I've come to some other conclusions as well:
1. Trying to plan anything usually ends up being a waste.
2. I rarely spend time with people that I dislike spending time with, so there's that.
3. I feel very safe on stage, while most people tend to feel completely bare.

sometimes i find things in my purse...

I find the most random things in my purse sometimes — from really, really old pennies, which are assumed to live in the bottom of bags, to business cards of people I'm pretty sure I've never met.

 Today's find: a small business card-sized piece of paper titled, SAY IT STRAIGHT.

It reads as follows:

1. "Say it straight or you'll show it crooked."
2. Understand your goals and direct your activity to accomplish them.
3. Treat yourself and others with dignity and respect.
4. Be self-determining and help others to be the same.
5. Be responsible for your own thinking, feeling, and behavior.
6. Live in the here and now.
7. Speak with the purpose of resolving issues, rather than proving you are right.
8. Continue what works, and modify or discontinue what does not work.
(flipping the card over...)
9. Ask for what you want and invite others to do the same.
10. Make agreements that you are willing and intend to keep.
11. Appropriately involve others in making decisions that affect them.
12. Give, accept, and ask for positive strokes and constructive feedback.
13. Appropriately express your feelings, then you can get on with the tasks at hand.
14. In a conflict, communicate only with those people who can help you resolve it.

Thanks Life.

Or rather, I should thank Abe Wagner & Associates, Inc. That's where this card allegedly comes from.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure it came from my dad. And, if I'm wrong, then at least I got some actual sound life coaching and the opportunity to look at this picture:

My favorite is sunglassed Abe.

Brain Aneurysm.

Sometimes I keep myself busy just so I don't have to think. Isn't that terrible?

So many things to love...

1. Calling people "darling."
2. Knowing both the day of the week and its number, i.e. "Oh, yes, I know the day. It's Wednesday, September 15th."
3. Impromptu baseball games with my dad, even if the Sox don't win.
4. My kitchen table and chairs.
5. Refilling plastic water bottles.
6. Being told "You're beautiful" by the pretty lady returning nail polish at J.Crew, and then telling her that she just made my life.
7. Weird dancing in the kitchen as my new roomie looks on in horror, wonder and joy.
8. Loose Leaf Tea. Thanks to Alli.
9. Being asked for directions.
10. Walking.

Living Well. But Not Lamely Like Those T-Shirts.

I'm staying away from pop for the week. Today went by without failure. That's a big deal, considering I've been knocking back around 1-3 a day for the last month. I even ran out for a snack mid morning, offering to get anything for my coworkers, who then requested Cherry Cokes, and I didn't budge. Two for them, none for me.

That slogan brings me to candy. I'm trying to cut back on my sugar intake in general. I'm a diehard cookie lover, and that's not going to change, but I am reassessing what it is I put in my body. It's all about being healthy.

Speaking of health. I don't sleep much. In general I get between five and seven hours a night. I can deal with seven, but five more than two days in a row is rough. And, let's face it, I look it. So, I'm laying off catching too many late night shows at iO, stepping back from Facebook at a reasonable hour, and turning in early.

And going along with turning things, I will also be turning more pages, i.e. reading more. That was a reach, and you could tell. That's like when a bad improviser shepherds his or her ideas across the stage hoping to connect everything without the audience realizing what's happening. We know. Anyway, I'm going to finish Atlas Shrugged by the end of September. I can do it and should have by now.

Recap:
-Staying away from pop and candy.
-Catching more Zzzs.
-Reading up.

Loveliness from Iron & Wine

Fever Dream
"Some days, like rain on the doorstep
She’ll cover me
With grace in all she offers
Sometimes I'd like just to ask her
What honest words
She can’t afford to say, like

I want your flowers like babies want God’s love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come"

Notes on Today:

-Every morning (or at least most mornings) I ride my bicycle to work. It's not particularly cool. Actually, it's probably the antithesis of cool. It's an early 90s Trek colored a particularly unflattering shade of maroon scattered with rust from years left outside my childhood home in the rain. It's a mountain bike that's never seen a mountain. I bummed it off my sister after the bike I had previously bummed off my old roommate conked out on me. Anyway, as I ride through Lincoln Park, Old Town and River North I'm wary of an impending moment. A possible doom. The pavement glides out from beneath these decade old tires as I pass under green lights coming up to the inevitable bridge, which serves as a right of passage from the North side to the Loop. From the Merchandise Mart to Upper Wacker Drive a heavy steel grater connects North with South filling me with fear. Flash thoughts well up inside my brain as I imagine my front tire getting caught on something, anything, pulling my small frame to the ground, then beneath a car. And my body is compressed, pushed through the small steel holes, like cheddar cheese ready for a quesadilla.

-Recently it's been rather crisp in the mornings. In the afternoon, though, it's that fake cool. It's that kind of cool where once you begin to get to where you're going, not five minutes go by and you're sweating. I think of pumpkin ice cream in those moments. It's the perfect food to describe the beginning of fall.

-I took the train on Thursday last week. It must have been Thursday. I'm not positive. Maybe it was the week before. Really, it's not important. At some point I took it home from the Loop and people watched. Today I picked up my two complimentary tickets to see a preview showing of Candide at the Goodman, and my box office ticketer was someone I remember from people watching. Small world.

-Last night I picked up my kitchen table. Currently it's dismantled in my bedroom. I was nervous that this cat which is still living in my apartment would scratch it up with it's monstrous claws. Then it occurred to me that I could have a kitchen table in my room for a while. That's bothersome. In other news: it's super, and I love it. Plus, it was a bargain. Hooray for Craig's List haggling.

-Tissues are one of those things that you wish you had when you don't, but don't think about when you do. I feel that way about some of my relationships, and that's not so good. Things to work on: appreciating the people in my life.

-The scar developing on the top of my right foot is icky. I wish I was more agile and had not dropped my bike on my foot this past July. That said, since I did, I wish I went to the hospital and got the stitches I needed.

Your Hand in Mind, Explosions in the Sky

Music without lyrics does something to me. It's almost like reading a book — where you can imagine the characters, the feelings, the emotions, what things look like — while with music, you're imaging the places this song has come from, what it meant to the musician, and what it means to say.

Some music begs for lyrics, requires them to give the piece worth, but not here.

Things I Love...

1. How a good piece of art (performance or otherwise) makes me feel.
2. Improv.
3. How soft my hair feels when it's straight.
4. 65 degrees and sunny.
5. September weddings.
6. Remembering stories when I look at certain things in my apartment.
7. Unexpected apologies.
8. Perfect sentences.
9. Reading out loud.
10. Video chatting.
11. Warm Chai Tea.
12. Reading.
13. iTunes genius mixes.
14. Burritos.
15. Noble Tree.

I obviously love lists. I've said it before, but they really do help keep things in perspective. If I didn't make these lists, I know myself well enough to know I'd relive negativity constantly in my head. Forcing myself to remember all the wonderful things that happen in my day to day is the best thing I do with my time. And the real kicker lies in those moments where I'm unrestricted by 5 things, sometimes going into the hundreds. It doesn't matter how small these loves might seem; it only matters that they are there, having a presence, taking up space and making days better than they could have been otherwise. Good moods are an actively sought after state of mind.

Music & Things.

Things to Work On:
1. Saying what I mean.
2. Sorting out all my books.
3. Regularly reviewing how I spend my time.
4. Organizing my house, i.e. getting a table and another couch/chair.
5. Figuring out finances and budgeting.
6. Listening to more music.
7. Making a point to spend time with my mom.
8. Reading the rest of Atlas Shrugged.
9. Finishing up and starting new sketches for WADA.
10. Being less sarcastic and more genuine.
11. My vocabulary.
12. Memorizing my lines.

"I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am." -Colorblind, Counting Crows.

"You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands
And then roll over and die" -Coconut Skins, Damien Rice.

"Cos a sip
A sip
Or a spoonful won't do
Won't do nothing for you
Except mess you up" -Poison Cup, M.Ward.

"And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself" -Karma Police, Radiohead.

"Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky." -Ocean Breaths Salty, Modest Mouse. 

"She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
You know she begs me not to miss her." -She's a Jar, Wilco.

Enjoy the links to these songs.

Favorite Words. &. the Right Now.

1. Pedestrian.
2. Lexicon.
3. Turbulent.
4. Sheesh.

Language fascinates and excites me. People frustrate and encourage me. Arms length protects and separates me. Imagination propels and challenges me. Hurt defines and kills me. Sarcasm helps and destroys me. Happiness flees from and revels in me.

These are my things. They're mine. They're who I am. Today.

Indian giving.

I take it back.

There are a lot of things that have worth and are rated appropriately. College parties have their place. I love dogs, but I do stand by my disgust in cats, hamsters, and fish. I love people in a way that definitely is unique to me and, goodness, sleep can be a beautifully quiet relief from a rough day.

So, in short:
I fly by the seat of my pants, and what's true today might not necessarily be true tomorrow.

Five Things I Love Today:
1. Wearing scarves and boots again.
2. Spending time with my dad.
3. Reading Atlas Shrugged in Sunset Woods
4. Sitting in a hot tub when it's 61 degrees.
5. Waking up without an alarm.

Over-Rated

1. Most things.
2. Greek life. Or, college parties in general.
3. Having pets (unless it's a pup). Think: cats, hamsters, fish, et. al.
4. Caring.
5. Sleep.

So, I will be brief:
Throw your cares to the wind, because the nice thing about wind is that it can't hurt you.

Can I tell you a secret?

As much as I like hanging things up, I love the look of bare walls.

For how much I love earrings, I'd rather wear my pearl ring than anything else.

Even though shoes are one of my favorite things to buy, walking around barefoot is the best feeling.

Though there are parts of me that I won't allow to be truly accessible, I want to be.

I have an illogical fear of serial killers, and for some reason think a comforter will be more protective against one than a bed sheet.

For the most part, the books I still have are ones I have yet to read. The ones that are gone are already stored within my head somewhere, unless they're rereads.

Christianity, religion, faith, all that stuff — I grapple.

These are things that slowly sizzle into my mix, but I thought I'd just share them now. Being vulnerable is one thing I hate being, yet constantly feel without telling.

what a beautiful song.

I've begun to relisten to music that meant a lot to me throughout college. One band in particular, The Appleseed Cast, is getting a lot of attention right now. I like that they're mostly instrumental, and even though this particular song "Hello Dearest Love" does have lyrics, it's still a favorite. And as of this moment, it's making my heart twinge with thoughts on those relationships of yesteryear.

So enjoy it.

welcome home
her eyes know
mistakes you've made
the plans you laid

your love, it means so much
a simple ring, your fingers touch
break away, break away
your smile faints, and light shines through
plan it truth, it is to soon to ignore

she's not here
standing clear
in front of you
it's just a dream

times up, she's gone away
you had your time, but it won't stay
no not this time, no not this time
soon enough, you'll kill them all
every chance to break your fall
your giving in, your giving in

but she's the one
bright as the sun
stops you there
right on the stairs
and falling back
when stars are black
stripes on fire, stripes on fire

5 Things I Love...

1. the experience of all four seasons
2. how carpet looks just after its been vacuumed
3. reading
4. walking
5. diet coke
6. playing bananagrams and apples to apples with jackie, rebe, and amy
7. interning at iO
8. v-neck ts
9. flowers in hair
10. wind
11. french
12. debating
13. decision
14. sleeping with a pillow over my head
15. the pups
16. paintings
17. listening to music i forgot i had
18. high ceilings
19. dancing alone
20. smooth things like icecream and nutella and conversations and everything else that comes with ease.

What couldn't wait.

I'm writing this post from my phone. It seems very 21st century to me. Everything lately seems to have a bit of a futurey spin on it. In anycase, what couldn't wait for a computer to boot up...
5 things I love:
1. Family bonding.
2. Feeling ready.
3. Brunch.
4. Sending love to my younger brothers.
5. Snail mail.

hypocrisy

i both appreciate and dislike being called out on my shit. but. now that the laundry's out and drying, it might as well be admitted. i am a hypocrite. in related news, i do have a wide selection of music on my iTunes.

quote of the now: "what's with today, today?" -Lucas, Empire Records

happy september

this is my very favorite of months. throughout the year i am always looking forward to september. it's the perfect month. there's this thing that happens in september, and it can only be classified under unbelievable contentment.

so. in keeping with things i love, i give you this. matt wertz's "lonely tonight." it goes hand in hand with my last post regarding loneliness. i think september is perhaps the only month where the idea of walking around solo in the perfection of a crisp, smooth, lovely night thrills me.



"Lonely Tonight," Matt Wertz

6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that i came to this town

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what I've known's been constant for a year
And I'm so scared of this pain that I'll be sending
Sometimes I just want to run away in fear

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

No, I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
And anticipation's been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow
We could tear these pages out and begin again

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me

Pondering loneliness

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"

- David Foster Wallace

"'Don't you want to join us?' I was recently asked by an acquaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted. 'No, I don't,' I said."

- Franz Kafka

For me loneliness is a toss up. I often elect for it, but when it's just happenstance it feels like emptiness. There is something nice about not having to do anything, impress anyone or go through any sort of motion, but there is so much worth in spending time with others. There's a lot to be learned, at the very least, in as much as the same way that spending time solo can. All in moderation?

I suppose in some ways a belief system involving a creator might as well be a crutch for the lonely, but what's wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with being aware that there's a reason loneliness feels like you have lost something? Then again, there's nothing wrong with taking time to check in with yourself, think, rinse and repeat.

5 Things I...

Love:
1. ample free time
2. streak free windshields
3. ryan adams & the cardinals, "stop"
4. crunchy peanut butter
5. reading outside when there are no bugs

Do Not Love:
1. Tardiness/rushing
2. Explaining things that should be self-explanatory
3. Dirty table cloths
4. Crappy power steering
5. When you can only find one of the shoes you want to wear

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals: "Stop"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLWEFv_gMxE


I know a sickness ancient and cross
No crucifix could ever fix enough
But in the basement of a church, these people they talk
There is a line that must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop

I know a place where the future is denied
I know a hand that twitches inside
For some of us the glass is filled with lights
But if the honey makes you sick, honey there is the line
That must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop
Stop

Slow down
You dont have to talk
Lie down
Breathe
Stop
Slow down
Its not your fault
Look around
Theres so many of us
Theres so many of us
You are not alone
Ever
Ever
Ever
Stop

Call in the backup and the backup comes
But nobody can help you if you wont
Inside your chest your heart is just hurt
Behind your eyes a need replaced a want

I know a sickness so ancient and cross
No crucifix can ever fix enough
I know a past where the future is lost
I know a line that must be walked
There is a darkness and there is a light
And there is a choice
For a balance to be made every night
A weakness must be found

If you want it to stop
Stop
Stop

5 Things I Love...

1. Rocking a side ponytail.
2. My green chair
3. Recognizing someone's scent.
4. Early, early morning air.
5. Banter.

Five Things...and more...

1. "Sigh No More," from Mumford and Sons, via Paul's Monday Music Emails.
2. Reading Ayn Rand books.
3. Bike rides when I have no particular destination in mind.
4. Clean bathrooms.
5. The porch at 1950 N. Burling 2R.
6. iTunes Genius mixes.
7. Not being nervous.
8. The feeling of closing my eyes to get them to stop stinging.
9. Unexpected hangouts.
10. Looking up lyrics.
11. Taking my hair down when it's been in a ponytail all day.
12. 7/11 Tollhouse Cookie runs.
13. Hand holding.
14. What Chicago looks and feels like at 4 o'clock in August.
15. Coffee ordered in a to go cup.
16. Chatting with my family on the phone.
17. Going to Sean's and sitting in his air-conditioned apartment for an hour before getting groceries together.
18. The pups.
19. Walking around barefoot.
20. Vacuuming.
21. Vacations.
22. Iowa City.
23. Hugs from behind.

"Who knew we'd never be younger than today?"

For the first time in a month I found myself with a spare 45 minutes and a mom on the line. God, I love her. I love that she's the one I go to for approval; I love that she has the ability to slice through my feelings like they're no big thing; I love that she can get me to admit all the things I'm stressed about, even as I know she'll throw in her unnecessary 25 cents; I love that this thought has been verbally expressed more than once: "Remember when I was in your womb?" I love her.

Periodically I'm struck by the concept of time shifting silently by. And it's almost unimaginable that some day I will look at my children and say, "You used to be literally part of me, friends." The moment I realize I'm 24 and today is literally the youngest I will ever be makes my heart race, not immediately because of stress, but because I have no idea why I am here, and I will just keep on going until I stop. And there's only so many moments left.

 

"Younger Than Today"
Ben Harper

You and I were looking at old pictures yesterday
Sitting in disbelief at how time slips away
Both at a loss for words to say, who knew we'd never be younger than today?

Foolishness protected us from the world outside
They could never come between us but we knew they'd try
We remembered living as if there were a way to forever be younger than today

Never looked at anything you didn't care to see
I was the one who wouldn't let you leave
Even though it was clear you couldn't stay
Had to try to be younger than today
Had to try to be younger than today

As we parted, you reminded me I'm alive
To remember when the stars danced just for you and I
May the shimmer of the summer always light your way and make you feel younger than today

Favorite Things Alli's Said . . .

1. "Why does he think you want to do him when you just want to friend his face?"
2. "I'm dyslexic."
3. "How much? — So Much? No! Traffic Light!"
4. "I think we just like to buy beer. But, we don't really drink it. We just look like we drink a lot because we have a lot all the time. That happened a lot at my old apartment. We had a ton of hard alcohol in the freezer when we moved out, too."
5. "We were totally neighborhood today. People asked us for directions."
6. "Tweaking."
7. "Umm, Brigid, this floor is really slippery."
8. "I left you glitter, so you can throw it around in case the apartment loses its sparkle while I'm gone."
9. "I dedicate my next two hours of dancing to you."
10. "Why do you never watch Gilmore Girls with me?"
11. "Cookie time? Party Time?"
12. "I have a thing for really neurotic animals."
13. "I don't understand cat people...They're bad omens...Like, I just don't get it...Maybe I don't get it because I'm allergic to them, but...they're really cute when they're new, but then as they get older they get just terrible...Occasionally a cat if raised by the proper human can be ok...but, like fat cats, what's up with them?"
14. "I'm at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell."
15. "We need to find the girl with the cutest outfit here, then beat her up and steal her clothes."

Every day with Alli is a day to remember.

To the night, Buenos Noches.

Too many moths linger around the light spilling like triangles from streetlamps. The air is fresh. It smells like freshly cut grass, though this city has but a few shaded patches, and more trees than anything else. Cars race by begging to stop, begging to be thrust into park, begging to put to rest their occupants. But, not in an RIP way. Street lights change every few moments. Bikers race by begging to be hit, begging to get home quickly, begging to stop. August wind doesn't cut like January's. It's soft and sweet and warm. And I am there, too. Stopping as the light beckons me. Stopping to fumble with my keys. Stopping because I'm waiting. Waiting for another soft gust of air as the night exhales. Leaving me euphoric. Waiting for nothing and waiting everything and waiting because sleep cannot come soon enough.

Apartments.

When the morning is just beginning there's the all too familiar Four-Second Hesitancy. Should you get up? Probably. Will you? Probably. But do you want to? Probably not.

Apartment hunting. It's a weekend activity akin to boating or taking your children to a park. It requires preparation and, depending on how long you'll be out and how far away everything is from the other, sunscreen. I must have forgotten how miserable apartment hunting is though, because I jumped readily at the chance to relocate. And now, here I am two weeks to go until I must go, and the road to free street parking and a coffee shop within walking distance is not yellow brick paved. I probably should have taken a Four-Second Hesitancy before giving up my darling Old Town two bedroom.

Oh, well.

Five Things I Love About 1950 N. Burling St., Apt. 2R
1. Knowing what the R stands for.
2. The purple blue wall.
3. Tricking your eyes.
4. Claws on the tub.
5. Open spaces. High Ceilings. Nice Porch.

5 Things I Love...

1. dipping my feet into lake michigan
2. lower case letters
3. french braids
4. kathleen
5. when i've used up all my batteries

5 Things I Love...

1. Saying "Luke, I am your father" directly into a fan.
2. Vacuums.
3. Board games.
4. Cookies.
5. Pandora.com

Five Things I Love. And Five I Hate.

Love.
1. Moving around furniture.
2. The rose candle holder Rebecca gave me for my birthday last year.
3. Plaid.
4. Crisp air.
5. Rain.

Hate.
1. Gnats.
2. Relying on anything.
3. Car alarms.
4. That the nubbin on one of the kitchen chairs is forever missing.
5. Humidity.

Faith.

Over the years the notion of being content has constantly fucked with me. I'm not one to be, is what it comes down to. I always want more; and what's more is I've never known that to be a bad thing. There's something beautiful in the sort of desperation that makes you cling to your wants.  This song from Jars of Clay, "Faith Enough," speaks to that sense of desperation for me. I haven't listened to these guys in a while, but every time I do, there's something more to take away, and something more to keep me wondering. The concept of "just enough" has me heartbroken.



"Faith Enough"

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight
Should the world rely on faith tonight

Bands. Aids.

I need to stop listening to sad music. If there's one thing that makes me feel terrible, it's a song that makes me feel too much. The Weepies are that band for me as of late. Sometimes it's Wilco. Other times it's anything instrumental. Most of the time I feel a little bit like I'm not myself. Like there's a show or front I put up, and I'm sure it's strikingly obvious at times. And I don't know if it will ever go away. Is it weird to ask, will all of life be like this? There's one thing I do love, and it's when I can just exist, not think, and just be. Yet even that can be an act, because I'm forcing myself to just quit thinking. Most of the time I'd like to take a deep breath and start over.



Antarctica, The Weepies

Left behind everything I knew
All the colors but bone-white and sky-blue
Hit the continent running
Engines were humming just to break through

Antarctica, my only living relative
Antarctica, I can't wait anymore

Under ice there's a world moving slow
Carnelian stars and the bars down below
Serve only vodka and gin
I try to stay drunk so nobody knows

Antarctica, my only living relative
Antarctica, I can't wait anymore
I can't wait anymore

And then there's morning
Each one feels like the first one
Ah, morning, so clean, so pure
Nothing so clear, now that I'm here

When I get back to the city
Everything's cluttered and pretty
I won't regret my return
I'll just remember the wind and the snow
And the howling so loud
That it alone drowns out the inside of me

Antarctica, my only living relative
Antarctica, I can't wait anymore
I can't wait anymore
I can't wait anymore

5 Things I Love...

1. diet coke
2. going to the grocery store when it's not crowded
3. the way glass reflects off the pavement at night
4. lamp light
5. porches
6. crisp things (like air and apples and cookies and such)
7. being busy
8. feeling alright even when i'm alone
9. thick hair
10. tickle smiles
11. how everyone has something to offer
12. reading
13. the pups
14. making people laugh
15. making myself laugh
16. dancing whenever
17. when something moves from being just an idea to action
18. the part of your lips where the top has a little indent (some people call it where the angel kissed you)
19. when clichés are appropriately used
20. veronica mars
21. peanut butter and jelly
22. easy communication
23. when my printer has ink in it
24. when things are just tidy and clean, but i dont remember doing it
25. tea
26. coffee
27. rocking chairs
28. bicycles
29. improv
30. paul asjes, erwin, steele, mekberg
31. earrings
32. when everything seems like it's alright, and we're all on track
33. birthdays
34. sheila and larbear
35. when there is no garbage in the garbage
36. the moment right before you finish a good book
37. rereading the last chapter of that good book
38. seeing all the dirt go down the drain when you take a shower or wash your hands
39. full bookshelves
40. the moment before it rains, while it's raining, and afterwards
41. sushi
42. Nordstrom Rack
43. deals
44. writing notes
45. signing things xoxo, gossip girl
46. music speakers!
47. loaning people books they later love
48. the smell of clean towels
49. holding hands
50. whistling
51. singing along
52. performing on stage
53. sarcasm
54. sighing at inappropriate times
55. alli's art
56. folded clothes
57. chanel mademoiselle
58. staying close with people that matter to me
59. coffee shops with internet, and without
60. no rush

Maybe this was a little longer than 5, but I've been slacking off a bit on my list. Writing things down that I love helps to keep perspective.

Books.

Periodically I'll get phone calls from my mother asking me what's hot in the world of literature. It's mostly adorable, but sometimes frustrating. A couple weeks ago little Sheila (el mama) called me to ask about Ayn Rand's philosophy. I appreciated her willingness to read awesomeness, but was annoyed to a tee when she said she probably wouldn't read The Fountainhead due to its length. She's now reading We the Living, one of my favorites.

I'm now reading Atlas Shrugged. Joy.

This cracked me up.

Books.

Periodically I'll get phone calls from my mother asking me what's hot in the world of literature. It's mostly adorable, but sometimes frustrating. A couple weeks ago little Sheila (el mama) called me to ask about Ayn Rand's philosophy. I appreciated her willingness to read awesomeness, but was annoyed to a tee when she said she probably wouldn't read The Fountainhead due to its length. She's now reading We the Living, one of my favorites.

I'm now reading Atlas Shrugged. Joy.

Why do I love The Weepies so much?

 

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around, then I wander around
It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

I didn't even have time to get it straight in my mind
To catch up from behind, to see that I was blind
And I wish I was wrong
But love doesn't last too long

All you lovers in the dark can forget what I said
'Cause it still goes on in my heart
And it still goes on in my head

Rivers to the sea, rivers to the sea
How it is right now is how it's always gonna be
It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around
Then I wander around
Then I wander around

"At Seventeen," from Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

ticky tacky.

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.
And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

Books in 2010

Last year was an epic year for book reading. So far this year I've been pretty bad.

1. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Truman Capote
2. T.S. Eliot Collected Poems, T.S. Eliot
3. Born Standing Up, Steve Martin
4. Waiter Rant, Steve Dublanica
5. City of Thieves, David Benioff
6. Holidays on Ice, David Sedaris

In process/ Plan to read in the near future:
1. Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand
2. I am the New Black, Tracy Morgan
3. The Mailroom, David Rensin
4. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
5. What is the What, Dave Eggers
6. Eating the Dinosaur, Chuck Klosterman

Not Finishing:
1. Profiles in Courage, JFK
2. You Shall Know Our Velocity, Dave Eggers

"The Dumbing Down of Love"- Frou Frou

I really like the beginning of this song. It's quietly and subtly throwing in biting lyrics mismatched against power chords and lowtoned voices.



Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without — without love
No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without — without love
Music is worthless, unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
And what will happen
Lover alone without love
And will you listen
Lover alone without — without love
Without love
Without love

first apartments.

"I am always drawn back to places where I have lived, the houses and their neighborhoods. For instance, there is a brownstone in the East Seventies where, during the early years of the war, I had my first New York apartment. It was one room crowded with attic furniture, a sofa and fat chairs upholstered in that itchy, particular red velvet that one associates with hot days on a train. The walls were stucco, and a color rather like tobacco-spit. Everywhere, in the bathroom too, there were prints of Roman ruins freckled brown with age. The single window looked out on a fire escape. Even so, my spirits heightened whenever I felt in my pocket the key to this apartment; with all its gloom, it still was a place of my own, the first, and my books were there, and jars of pencils to sharpen, everything I needed, so I felt, to become the writer I wanted to be."
-Truman Capote, "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

here's my first chicago apartment, 2009

Alanis Morissette: Everything.

 I'm hardcore on an Alanis kick this morning. Just check MightNotBeTrue. She's everywhere.

This song is so revealing in a way that I am comfortable saying most songs aren't. 



I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

And you're still here
And you're still here...

Pure Imagination.

This song brings me great joy. Such beautiful lyrics.




Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

Rediscovered Gems

Whatever happened to this song, and more so in question, whatever happened to Sisqó? [Answer found on Wiki as per usual]



I hate to admit it, but obviously not that much as I'm sharing it right now. During my junior year of high school over spring break (the one year where my family went out of town) a few friends made a hilarious parody music video to the Thong Song. I almost died because I wanted to be part of it so badly. Bizarre.

Also, I'd like to know how any director gets little children to ask or say the most ridiculous lines...

"Thong Song"

This thing right here
Is lettin all the ladies know
What guys talk about
You know
The finer things in life
Hahaha
Check it out

Ooh dat dress so scandalous
And ya know another nigga couldn't handle it
See ya shakin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in ya eye so devilish

Uh
Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban she likes the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh
I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong

I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong
I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong th thong thong thong

That girl so scandalous
And I know another nigga couldn't handle it
And she shakin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in her eye so devilish

Uh
She like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And she cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban she likes the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

Whoaaa
That dress so scandalous
And I swear another nigga couldn't handle it
See ya shakin that thang like who's da ish
With a look in her eye so devilish

Uh ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots
Not just urban ya like the pop
Cuz she was livin la vida loca

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt

Uh think to sing it again
Cuz she had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh think to sing it again
Come on

I will try to be there for you, I will try to be there for you if I can, what if I can't?

 

"If I am a Stranger," Ryan Adams & The Cardinals

For all the hours here that move too slow
There's all this letting go, that won't pass
If all this love is real, how will we know?
If we're only scared of losing it, how will it last?

If I am a stranger now to you
I will always be, I will always be
Stronger now then me, stronger then you
Our love will always be
And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you
If I can, what if I can't?

Today is yesterday when you don't know
How to rebuild the walls that someone has knocked down
To tell the truth it's hard enough about a lover
Who you only want to hide your darkness from
So you won't let them down

If I am a stranger now to you
I will always be, I will always be
Stronger now then me, stronger then you
Our love will always be
And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you
I will try and be there for you
If I can, what if I can't?

For all the hours here that move to slow
There's all this letting go, that won't pass
If all this love is real, how will we know?
And if we're only scared of losing it, how will it last?

If I am a stranger now to you
I will always be, I will always be
Stronger now then me, stronger than you
Our love will always be
If we let it go, I will try to be there for you
I will try to be there for you
I will try to be there for you
If I can, what if I can't?

Arc of Time: Life is weird and amazing.

I am not built for a 9-5, and I have no idea why I ever thought I might be.


Arc of Time, Bright Eyes

You can make a plan
Carve it into stone
Like a feather falling
That is still unknown

Until the clock speaks up
Says it’s time to go
You can choose the high
Or the lower road

You might clench your fist
You might fork your tongue
As you curse or praise
All the things you’ve done

And the faders move
And the music dies
As we pass over
On the arc of time

So you’ll nurse your love
like a wounded dove
in the covered cage of night
Every star is crossed
by phrenetic thoughts
they separate and then collide
and they twist like sheets
‘til you fall asleep
and they finally unwind
it’s a black balloon,
it’s a dream you’ll soon
deny

I hear if you make friends
With Jesus Christ
You’ll get right up
From that chalk outline

And then you'll get dolled up
And you'll dress in white
All to take your place
In his chorus line

And then in you’ll come
With those marching drums
In a saintly compromise
No more whiskey slurs
No more blonde hair girls
For your whole eternal life
And you’ll do the dance
That was choreographed
At the very dawn of time
Singing “I told you son,
The day would come,
You would die, you die, you die, you die…”

To the deepest part
Of the human heart
The fear of death expands
‘til we crack the code,
we’ve always known
But could never understand
On a circuit board
We’ll soon be born
Again, again, again, again…

He makes me sad

Cat Stevens' "Trouble"
 
Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time


There's something about Cat Stevens' voice that throws me into a sort of automatic sadness. Last week my roommate Alli and I were watching Harold and Maude, which has become one of those movies that somehow makes me happy. I don't know why, though, as CS' songs litter the soundtrack. But, enjoy this song. I love it.

"You don't even like Bob Dylan"

 "Most Of The Time"

Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time.

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time she ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was ever with her
Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it went
I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.

Florence & the Machine. I like it.

I'm really into this song right now.




Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can't you hear the horses
Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too. oh.

Happiness it hurt like a bullet in the mind
Stuck them up drainpipes
By someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses
Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come

Sweet Acoustic.

I received this song from a friend the other day and just now got a chance to listen to it. Enjoy this cover of Robyn's "Be Mine." Sort of sweet. 

 

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance I promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I am helpless, sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

But you never were, and you never will be mine

[Spoken:]
I saw you at the station
You had your arm around what's her name
She had on that scarf I gave you
and you got down to tie her laces

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

How Things Work.

There were five girls waiting in line after the show. Really, it was something to see. That's why the line was so long after. No one wanted to get up during the performance. They knew they would miss something. Something brilliant. Something the performer would later recall during an interview with the newest version of Johnny Carson.

That's why I waited, at least. I can't imagine if I had any more than one-and-a-half beers.

It's funny what happens after you become of drinking age. Your hands feel lonely if they don't have a glass of something or other in them. I never had the problem of empty hands during my pre-21-year-old days. I suppose they were empty, but I never felt abashed that I wasn't allowed to enjoy alcoholic elixirs. I think I was better hydrated then though. I drank a lot of water. It was bottled water. Please, please don't be mad. I didn't realize there was so much excess garbage piled up in the ocean. I didn't realize that plastic wasn't always recyclable. I didn't realize. I'm sorry. I didn't know.

So now I don't drink as much water. I blame it on being older now. I blame it on the use of plastic bottles. I blame it on pollution. I blame it on liking the fizziness of beer and the bitterness of a good dry white wine. Excuses are my new thing. Really, only excuses for little things like why I have a headache: because I don't drink enough water. I suppose they're not as much excuses as they are reasons. Real reasons. It has to be that I don't drink enough water, though, because I don't drink alcohol enough to ever get a headache. Maybe once in a while I do, if we're being honest. I'm not really a big drinker. It's just my hands. They don't know what to do with themselves. I feel like I need to get up. I need to hold something. As if I need to get up and move and do something and be something: a consumer.

Isn't that the reason why people do or buy anything, they feel like they have to, like they should, like if they don't they will later, so why not now?

Link. TS Eliot.

Might Not Be True Plug

Plugging Things That Might Not Be True...

Get there.

ingesting bleach

i think i ingested a little bit of bleach. i was cleaning my bathroom and was doing it on my hands and knees, like a bloodred american woman. and then i washed my hands. perhaps not as thoroughly as i should have. then i made a pb and j sandwich as i forgot to dethaw my ravioli and i cant have turkey as it's friday and it's lent. but i was eating the second half of my pb and j and i was tasting something strange. i think it's the remnants of bleach. is it wrong that i finished the sandwich. i hope i dont die alone in my apartment.

consider this my personal sos.

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world (x 2)
I hope that someone gets my (x 3)
Message in a bottle, yeah (x 4)

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world (x 2)
I hope that someone gets my (x 3)
Message in a bottle, yeah (x 4)

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone in being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world (x2)
I hope that someone gets my (x3)
Message in a bottle, yeah (x 4)

Sending out at an S.O.S. (x 6)

Thanks Sting. Thanks Police.

*Note: I really only needed to quote the:
"I'll send an S.O.S. to the world (x 2)
I hope that someone gets my (x 3)
Message in a bottle, yeah (x 4)" part.

Hope you understand.

5 Things I Love...

1. Hot Chocolate.
2. Flowers. Lillies are best.
3. Being warm when it's cold outside.
4. The movie Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona.
5. Being able to find things in my purse right when I need it.

5 Things I Love...

1. Things That Might Not Be True . COM.

2. Blackhawks Hockey Games. And the NHL in general.

3. Milkshakes, Ice Cream and a la mode anything.

4. My Grandpa Harry.

5. Reading. Reading. Reading.

Friday, Feb. 5, 2010 To Do List

1. Get up at 8ish
2. Take Sean to work in the loop
3. Call 2nd City to sign up for class: Comedy Writing, Mondays
4. Get Vanilla ice cream at some point (for banana milk shakes)
5. Attend Susan Messing's 12 p.m. class at iO
6. NBC
7. Trifles at 8 (7 call)
8. Shakespeare & Co. and/ or Kerst

That Might Not Be True

So, that other blog I'm slappin' together seems to be going well. Feel free to follow on twitter: MightNotBeTrue or on Facebook Pages: HERE.

I'd love to see you!

so that's interesting

"Stories and symbology that survive in the persona of Saint Brigid may be related. St. Brigid was associated with perpetual, sacred flames, such as the one maintained by 19 nuns at her sanctuary in Kildare, Ireland. The sacred flame at Kildare was said by Giraldus Cambrensis and other chroniclers to have been surrounded by a hedge, which no man could cross. Men who attempted to cross the hedge were said to have been cursed to go insane, die, and/or to have had their penis ("lower leg") wither."

thanks wikipedia.

5 Things...

I haven't written down anything for my '5 Things' list. So, here's this day's '5 Things I Love':

1. holidays with my family home, all watching a movie snuggled together on the couch.
2. mornings to myself. making coffee. catching up on the news, random tv shows, and just watching the light move in my apartment.
3. box set dvd television seasons. [almost done with gilmore girls]
4. improvising. and laughing.
5. the convenience of a car.

One Month In Between Time

It's the 19th. One month's in between time was quite a lot of time. The holidays happened. My other blog: http://www.thingsthatmayormaynotbetrue.com took off. My job has remained unsteady and unreliable. I am in turn becoming unsteady and unreliable. The play I'm in, "Trifles," opens next week. Second term of iO is underway and things with that are wonderful. And I haven't left the state in what feels like forever.

On the up side, month one of this decade not even over, and I've finished two books:

Nick Hornby's "Juliette, Naked" and Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up."

Received David Sedaris' "Christmas on Ice" and Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for Christmas, and have three more books on the ready:

David Rensin's "The Mailroom," Tom Shales & James Andrew Miller's "Live from New York," and a photobook, "Laugh," with pictures taken by William Claxton. There are things to read in that last one, but it's mainly short stories from the people within the photos.