Pondering loneliness

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"

- David Foster Wallace

"'Don't you want to join us?' I was recently asked by an acquaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted. 'No, I don't,' I said."

- Franz Kafka

For me loneliness is a toss up. I often elect for it, but when it's just happenstance it feels like emptiness. There is something nice about not having to do anything, impress anyone or go through any sort of motion, but there is so much worth in spending time with others. There's a lot to be learned, at the very least, in as much as the same way that spending time solo can. All in moderation?

I suppose in some ways a belief system involving a creator might as well be a crutch for the lonely, but what's wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with being aware that there's a reason loneliness feels like you have lost something? Then again, there's nothing wrong with taking time to check in with yourself, think, rinse and repeat.

5 Things I...

Love:
1. ample free time
2. streak free windshields
3. ryan adams & the cardinals, "stop"
4. crunchy peanut butter
5. reading outside when there are no bugs

Do Not Love:
1. Tardiness/rushing
2. Explaining things that should be self-explanatory
3. Dirty table cloths
4. Crappy power steering
5. When you can only find one of the shoes you want to wear

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals: "Stop"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLWEFv_gMxE


I know a sickness ancient and cross
No crucifix could ever fix enough
But in the basement of a church, these people they talk
There is a line that must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop

I know a place where the future is denied
I know a hand that twitches inside
For some of us the glass is filled with lights
But if the honey makes you sick, honey there is the line
That must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop
Stop

Slow down
You dont have to talk
Lie down
Breathe
Stop
Slow down
Its not your fault
Look around
Theres so many of us
Theres so many of us
You are not alone
Ever
Ever
Ever
Stop

Call in the backup and the backup comes
But nobody can help you if you wont
Inside your chest your heart is just hurt
Behind your eyes a need replaced a want

I know a sickness so ancient and cross
No crucifix can ever fix enough
I know a past where the future is lost
I know a line that must be walked
There is a darkness and there is a light
And there is a choice
For a balance to be made every night
A weakness must be found

If you want it to stop
Stop
Stop

5 Things I Love...

1. Rocking a side ponytail.
2. My green chair
3. Recognizing someone's scent.
4. Early, early morning air.
5. Banter.

Five Things...and more...

1. "Sigh No More," from Mumford and Sons, via Paul's Monday Music Emails.
2. Reading Ayn Rand books.
3. Bike rides when I have no particular destination in mind.
4. Clean bathrooms.
5. The porch at 1950 N. Burling 2R.
6. iTunes Genius mixes.
7. Not being nervous.
8. The feeling of closing my eyes to get them to stop stinging.
9. Unexpected hangouts.
10. Looking up lyrics.
11. Taking my hair down when it's been in a ponytail all day.
12. 7/11 Tollhouse Cookie runs.
13. Hand holding.
14. What Chicago looks and feels like at 4 o'clock in August.
15. Coffee ordered in a to go cup.
16. Chatting with my family on the phone.
17. Going to Sean's and sitting in his air-conditioned apartment for an hour before getting groceries together.
18. The pups.
19. Walking around barefoot.
20. Vacuuming.
21. Vacations.
22. Iowa City.
23. Hugs from behind.

"Who knew we'd never be younger than today?"

For the first time in a month I found myself with a spare 45 minutes and a mom on the line. God, I love her. I love that she's the one I go to for approval; I love that she has the ability to slice through my feelings like they're no big thing; I love that she can get me to admit all the things I'm stressed about, even as I know she'll throw in her unnecessary 25 cents; I love that this thought has been verbally expressed more than once: "Remember when I was in your womb?" I love her.

Periodically I'm struck by the concept of time shifting silently by. And it's almost unimaginable that some day I will look at my children and say, "You used to be literally part of me, friends." The moment I realize I'm 24 and today is literally the youngest I will ever be makes my heart race, not immediately because of stress, but because I have no idea why I am here, and I will just keep on going until I stop. And there's only so many moments left.

 

"Younger Than Today"
Ben Harper

You and I were looking at old pictures yesterday
Sitting in disbelief at how time slips away
Both at a loss for words to say, who knew we'd never be younger than today?

Foolishness protected us from the world outside
They could never come between us but we knew they'd try
We remembered living as if there were a way to forever be younger than today

Never looked at anything you didn't care to see
I was the one who wouldn't let you leave
Even though it was clear you couldn't stay
Had to try to be younger than today
Had to try to be younger than today

As we parted, you reminded me I'm alive
To remember when the stars danced just for you and I
May the shimmer of the summer always light your way and make you feel younger than today

Favorite Things Alli's Said . . .

1. "Why does he think you want to do him when you just want to friend his face?"
2. "I'm dyslexic."
3. "How much? — So Much? No! Traffic Light!"
4. "I think we just like to buy beer. But, we don't really drink it. We just look like we drink a lot because we have a lot all the time. That happened a lot at my old apartment. We had a ton of hard alcohol in the freezer when we moved out, too."
5. "We were totally neighborhood today. People asked us for directions."
6. "Tweaking."
7. "Umm, Brigid, this floor is really slippery."
8. "I left you glitter, so you can throw it around in case the apartment loses its sparkle while I'm gone."
9. "I dedicate my next two hours of dancing to you."
10. "Why do you never watch Gilmore Girls with me?"
11. "Cookie time? Party Time?"
12. "I have a thing for really neurotic animals."
13. "I don't understand cat people...They're bad omens...Like, I just don't get it...Maybe I don't get it because I'm allergic to them, but...they're really cute when they're new, but then as they get older they get just terrible...Occasionally a cat if raised by the proper human can be ok...but, like fat cats, what's up with them?"
14. "I'm at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell."
15. "We need to find the girl with the cutest outfit here, then beat her up and steal her clothes."

Every day with Alli is a day to remember.

To the night, Buenos Noches.

Too many moths linger around the light spilling like triangles from streetlamps. The air is fresh. It smells like freshly cut grass, though this city has but a few shaded patches, and more trees than anything else. Cars race by begging to stop, begging to be thrust into park, begging to put to rest their occupants. But, not in an RIP way. Street lights change every few moments. Bikers race by begging to be hit, begging to get home quickly, begging to stop. August wind doesn't cut like January's. It's soft and sweet and warm. And I am there, too. Stopping as the light beckons me. Stopping to fumble with my keys. Stopping because I'm waiting. Waiting for another soft gust of air as the night exhales. Leaving me euphoric. Waiting for nothing and waiting everything and waiting because sleep cannot come soon enough.

Apartments.

When the morning is just beginning there's the all too familiar Four-Second Hesitancy. Should you get up? Probably. Will you? Probably. But do you want to? Probably not.

Apartment hunting. It's a weekend activity akin to boating or taking your children to a park. It requires preparation and, depending on how long you'll be out and how far away everything is from the other, sunscreen. I must have forgotten how miserable apartment hunting is though, because I jumped readily at the chance to relocate. And now, here I am two weeks to go until I must go, and the road to free street parking and a coffee shop within walking distance is not yellow brick paved. I probably should have taken a Four-Second Hesitancy before giving up my darling Old Town two bedroom.

Oh, well.

Five Things I Love About 1950 N. Burling St., Apt. 2R
1. Knowing what the R stands for.
2. The purple blue wall.
3. Tricking your eyes.
4. Claws on the tub.
5. Open spaces. High Ceilings. Nice Porch.

5 Things I Love...

1. dipping my feet into lake michigan
2. lower case letters
3. french braids
4. kathleen
5. when i've used up all my batteries

5 Things I Love...

1. Saying "Luke, I am your father" directly into a fan.
2. Vacuums.
3. Board games.
4. Cookies.
5. Pandora.com

Five Things I Love. And Five I Hate.

Love.
1. Moving around furniture.
2. The rose candle holder Rebecca gave me for my birthday last year.
3. Plaid.
4. Crisp air.
5. Rain.

Hate.
1. Gnats.
2. Relying on anything.
3. Car alarms.
4. That the nubbin on one of the kitchen chairs is forever missing.
5. Humidity.

Faith.

Over the years the notion of being content has constantly fucked with me. I'm not one to be, is what it comes down to. I always want more; and what's more is I've never known that to be a bad thing. There's something beautiful in the sort of desperation that makes you cling to your wants.  This song from Jars of Clay, "Faith Enough," speaks to that sense of desperation for me. I haven't listened to these guys in a while, but every time I do, there's something more to take away, and something more to keep me wondering. The concept of "just enough" has me heartbroken.



"Faith Enough"

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight
Should the world rely on faith tonight

Bands. Aids.

I need to stop listening to sad music. If there's one thing that makes me feel terrible, it's a song that makes me feel too much. The Weepies are that band for me as of late. Sometimes it's Wilco. Other times it's anything instrumental. Most of the time I feel a little bit like I'm not myself. Like there's a show or front I put up, and I'm sure it's strikingly obvious at times. And I don't know if it will ever go away. Is it weird to ask, will all of life be like this? There's one thing I do love, and it's when I can just exist, not think, and just be. Yet even that can be an act, because I'm forcing myself to just quit thinking. Most of the time I'd like to take a deep breath and start over.



Antarctica, The Weepies

Left behind everything I knew
All the colors but bone-white and sky-blue
Hit the continent running
Engines were humming just to break through

Antarctica, my only living relative
Antarctica, I can't wait anymore

Under ice there's a world moving slow
Carnelian stars and the bars down below
Serve only vodka and gin
I try to stay drunk so nobody knows

Antarctica, my only living relative
Antarctica, I can't wait anymore
I can't wait anymore

And then there's morning
Each one feels like the first one
Ah, morning, so clean, so pure
Nothing so clear, now that I'm here

When I get back to the city
Everything's cluttered and pretty
I won't regret my return
I'll just remember the wind and the snow
And the howling so loud
That it alone drowns out the inside of me

Antarctica, my only living relative
Antarctica, I can't wait anymore
I can't wait anymore
I can't wait anymore

5 Things I Love...

1. diet coke
2. going to the grocery store when it's not crowded
3. the way glass reflects off the pavement at night
4. lamp light
5. porches
6. crisp things (like air and apples and cookies and such)
7. being busy
8. feeling alright even when i'm alone
9. thick hair
10. tickle smiles
11. how everyone has something to offer
12. reading
13. the pups
14. making people laugh
15. making myself laugh
16. dancing whenever
17. when something moves from being just an idea to action
18. the part of your lips where the top has a little indent (some people call it where the angel kissed you)
19. when clichés are appropriately used
20. veronica mars
21. peanut butter and jelly
22. easy communication
23. when my printer has ink in it
24. when things are just tidy and clean, but i dont remember doing it
25. tea
26. coffee
27. rocking chairs
28. bicycles
29. improv
30. paul asjes, erwin, steele, mekberg
31. earrings
32. when everything seems like it's alright, and we're all on track
33. birthdays
34. sheila and larbear
35. when there is no garbage in the garbage
36. the moment right before you finish a good book
37. rereading the last chapter of that good book
38. seeing all the dirt go down the drain when you take a shower or wash your hands
39. full bookshelves
40. the moment before it rains, while it's raining, and afterwards
41. sushi
42. Nordstrom Rack
43. deals
44. writing notes
45. signing things xoxo, gossip girl
46. music speakers!
47. loaning people books they later love
48. the smell of clean towels
49. holding hands
50. whistling
51. singing along
52. performing on stage
53. sarcasm
54. sighing at inappropriate times
55. alli's art
56. folded clothes
57. chanel mademoiselle
58. staying close with people that matter to me
59. coffee shops with internet, and without
60. no rush

Maybe this was a little longer than 5, but I've been slacking off a bit on my list. Writing things down that I love helps to keep perspective.

Books.

Periodically I'll get phone calls from my mother asking me what's hot in the world of literature. It's mostly adorable, but sometimes frustrating. A couple weeks ago little Sheila (el mama) called me to ask about Ayn Rand's philosophy. I appreciated her willingness to read awesomeness, but was annoyed to a tee when she said she probably wouldn't read The Fountainhead due to its length. She's now reading We the Living, one of my favorites.

I'm now reading Atlas Shrugged. Joy.

This cracked me up.

Books.

Periodically I'll get phone calls from my mother asking me what's hot in the world of literature. It's mostly adorable, but sometimes frustrating. A couple weeks ago little Sheila (el mama) called me to ask about Ayn Rand's philosophy. I appreciated her willingness to read awesomeness, but was annoyed to a tee when she said she probably wouldn't read The Fountainhead due to its length. She's now reading We the Living, one of my favorites.

I'm now reading Atlas Shrugged. Joy.

Why do I love The Weepies so much?

 

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around, then I wander around
It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

I didn't even have time to get it straight in my mind
To catch up from behind, to see that I was blind
And I wish I was wrong
But love doesn't last too long

All you lovers in the dark can forget what I said
'Cause it still goes on in my heart
And it still goes on in my head

Rivers to the sea, rivers to the sea
How it is right now is how it's always gonna be
It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around
Then I wander around
Then I wander around