Noticing.

1. Phrases like "You've got a chip on your shoulder" and "You're a chip off the ol' block" seem to interface in an interesting manner.
2. Getting the afternoon off is a throwback to those stints in education, and are perhaps the most underrated good thing life has to offer.
3. Sleeping with a Teddy Bear and sleeping next to a human being can sometimes be synonymous, though I'm sure everyone has a preference.
4. Seeing families, watching shows, and working sets my to do list into a tight chaos.
5. September is like a ping pong match, with each day flipping from hot to cold faster than the start of a relationship.
6. Curtains, rugs and wall art make a house livable.
7. There's nothing like indulging in something you've been thinking about for a long while. For me, it's usually a burrito.
8. Waiting until the end of the week to clean up is super annoying. What's worse is wanting to clean, but having no time!
9. I dislike using exclamation points, but find myself using them a lot, especially in texts and instant messenger. They make all the difference when it comes to tone of voice. That bothers me.

My Love Letter

Dear Cookies,
Dear Burritos,
Dear Skinny Jeans,
Dear Family,
Dear Improv,
Dear Laughter,
Dear Good Movies,
Dear Music,
Dear Imagination,
Dear Friends,
Dear Loves,
Dear Art,
Dear Sweatshirts,
Dear Museums,
Dear Books,
Dear You, and anyone or thing else that's touched me,

I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I'm sorry if I forget about you sometimes, and I'm sorry if I don't give you all your due. But, I love you. I love you so much that hyperbole doesn't even begin to encapsulate this reality. So, just know that.

Ex-Oh-Ex-Oh, Gossip Girl.

I kid because I love you too much to be serious all the time. If I were my heart would break, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it.

-B

a sincere thank you

in keeping with this desire to express myself, as ms. madonna insists i should, i have some heartfelt sentiments to send out.

1. thank you to my friends. seriously. thank you. thank you for not dismissing my sarcasm as cruelty. thank you for realizing my intentions even when they seem vague or insincere. you know they're not, and i appreciate that beyond comprehension. thank you for opening up my heart to all you have to offer as i realize my own potential. thank you for accepting my faults, helping me get past my self-imposed boundaries and loving me for all that i am. and thank you for never ignoring me.
2. thank you to my family. again. this is serious. i love you. i love you more than i can put words to and the thought of you in any sort of painful situation, physical or otherwise, literally make me tear up. my heart breaks at these mere thoughts. even as i write these words my heart is racing and my eyes are welling up. i love you. i love you so much.
3. to my new friends. i am a "jar with a heavy lid," and maybe this defense mechanism isn't the best choice, but i do believe in the validity of having a thick door to break down, and i commend you if you even try. i'm not difficult to see through if you take the time. i just seem like it. but. i do believe that when it comes down to it honesty, availability, and the ability to take life with a grain of salt are prerequisites —

so, if you like, go on this journey with me. i'm a good friend, a solid listener and someone that will bring you a smile when you feel like crying. just let me.

Best Morning Ever.

*Wake up late.
*Make coffee.
*Eat two biscotti.
*All while watching Veronica Mars.

Love it.

Sliding Doors.

The tricky thing about getting to know someone lies in the opportunity to do so. Opportunity missed is the single worst thing that can befall anyone. Feeling jipped in any context is a straight burn. I've been thinking lately, perhaps too much, but in any case, I've been thinking, and I've come to some conclusions.

Let me enlighten you, or at least explain away myself. I've come to the conclusion that:
1. Not everyone is going to like you, and yes, it will bug you, and you'll try and change yourself, but in the end, you're all you have, so like yourself.
2. Needing a second, third or fourth chance really just solidifies what the first found.
3. For me, words speak louder than actions because I don't mind doing things or being alone, but there's only so much I can say to myself to feel better when I need a pick-me-up. The heartfelt sentiments of others does wonders on this girl.

I've come to some other conclusions as well:
1. Trying to plan anything usually ends up being a waste.
2. I rarely spend time with people that I dislike spending time with, so there's that.
3. I feel very safe on stage, while most people tend to feel completely bare.

sometimes i find things in my purse...

I find the most random things in my purse sometimes — from really, really old pennies, which are assumed to live in the bottom of bags, to business cards of people I'm pretty sure I've never met.

 Today's find: a small business card-sized piece of paper titled, SAY IT STRAIGHT.

It reads as follows:

1. "Say it straight or you'll show it crooked."
2. Understand your goals and direct your activity to accomplish them.
3. Treat yourself and others with dignity and respect.
4. Be self-determining and help others to be the same.
5. Be responsible for your own thinking, feeling, and behavior.
6. Live in the here and now.
7. Speak with the purpose of resolving issues, rather than proving you are right.
8. Continue what works, and modify or discontinue what does not work.
(flipping the card over...)
9. Ask for what you want and invite others to do the same.
10. Make agreements that you are willing and intend to keep.
11. Appropriately involve others in making decisions that affect them.
12. Give, accept, and ask for positive strokes and constructive feedback.
13. Appropriately express your feelings, then you can get on with the tasks at hand.
14. In a conflict, communicate only with those people who can help you resolve it.

Thanks Life.

Or rather, I should thank Abe Wagner & Associates, Inc. That's where this card allegedly comes from.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure it came from my dad. And, if I'm wrong, then at least I got some actual sound life coaching and the opportunity to look at this picture:

My favorite is sunglassed Abe.

Brain Aneurysm.

Sometimes I keep myself busy just so I don't have to think. Isn't that terrible?

So many things to love...

1. Calling people "darling."
2. Knowing both the day of the week and its number, i.e. "Oh, yes, I know the day. It's Wednesday, September 15th."
3. Impromptu baseball games with my dad, even if the Sox don't win.
4. My kitchen table and chairs.
5. Refilling plastic water bottles.
6. Being told "You're beautiful" by the pretty lady returning nail polish at J.Crew, and then telling her that she just made my life.
7. Weird dancing in the kitchen as my new roomie looks on in horror, wonder and joy.
8. Loose Leaf Tea. Thanks to Alli.
9. Being asked for directions.
10. Walking.

Living Well. But Not Lamely Like Those T-Shirts.

I'm staying away from pop for the week. Today went by without failure. That's a big deal, considering I've been knocking back around 1-3 a day for the last month. I even ran out for a snack mid morning, offering to get anything for my coworkers, who then requested Cherry Cokes, and I didn't budge. Two for them, none for me.

That slogan brings me to candy. I'm trying to cut back on my sugar intake in general. I'm a diehard cookie lover, and that's not going to change, but I am reassessing what it is I put in my body. It's all about being healthy.

Speaking of health. I don't sleep much. In general I get between five and seven hours a night. I can deal with seven, but five more than two days in a row is rough. And, let's face it, I look it. So, I'm laying off catching too many late night shows at iO, stepping back from Facebook at a reasonable hour, and turning in early.

And going along with turning things, I will also be turning more pages, i.e. reading more. That was a reach, and you could tell. That's like when a bad improviser shepherds his or her ideas across the stage hoping to connect everything without the audience realizing what's happening. We know. Anyway, I'm going to finish Atlas Shrugged by the end of September. I can do it and should have by now.

Recap:
-Staying away from pop and candy.
-Catching more Zzzs.
-Reading up.

Loveliness from Iron & Wine

Fever Dream
"Some days, like rain on the doorstep
She’ll cover me
With grace in all she offers
Sometimes I'd like just to ask her
What honest words
She can’t afford to say, like

I want your flowers like babies want God’s love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come"

Notes on Today:

-Every morning (or at least most mornings) I ride my bicycle to work. It's not particularly cool. Actually, it's probably the antithesis of cool. It's an early 90s Trek colored a particularly unflattering shade of maroon scattered with rust from years left outside my childhood home in the rain. It's a mountain bike that's never seen a mountain. I bummed it off my sister after the bike I had previously bummed off my old roommate conked out on me. Anyway, as I ride through Lincoln Park, Old Town and River North I'm wary of an impending moment. A possible doom. The pavement glides out from beneath these decade old tires as I pass under green lights coming up to the inevitable bridge, which serves as a right of passage from the North side to the Loop. From the Merchandise Mart to Upper Wacker Drive a heavy steel grater connects North with South filling me with fear. Flash thoughts well up inside my brain as I imagine my front tire getting caught on something, anything, pulling my small frame to the ground, then beneath a car. And my body is compressed, pushed through the small steel holes, like cheddar cheese ready for a quesadilla.

-Recently it's been rather crisp in the mornings. In the afternoon, though, it's that fake cool. It's that kind of cool where once you begin to get to where you're going, not five minutes go by and you're sweating. I think of pumpkin ice cream in those moments. It's the perfect food to describe the beginning of fall.

-I took the train on Thursday last week. It must have been Thursday. I'm not positive. Maybe it was the week before. Really, it's not important. At some point I took it home from the Loop and people watched. Today I picked up my two complimentary tickets to see a preview showing of Candide at the Goodman, and my box office ticketer was someone I remember from people watching. Small world.

-Last night I picked up my kitchen table. Currently it's dismantled in my bedroom. I was nervous that this cat which is still living in my apartment would scratch it up with it's monstrous claws. Then it occurred to me that I could have a kitchen table in my room for a while. That's bothersome. In other news: it's super, and I love it. Plus, it was a bargain. Hooray for Craig's List haggling.

-Tissues are one of those things that you wish you had when you don't, but don't think about when you do. I feel that way about some of my relationships, and that's not so good. Things to work on: appreciating the people in my life.

-The scar developing on the top of my right foot is icky. I wish I was more agile and had not dropped my bike on my foot this past July. That said, since I did, I wish I went to the hospital and got the stitches I needed.

Your Hand in Mind, Explosions in the Sky

Music without lyrics does something to me. It's almost like reading a book — where you can imagine the characters, the feelings, the emotions, what things look like — while with music, you're imaging the places this song has come from, what it meant to the musician, and what it means to say.

Some music begs for lyrics, requires them to give the piece worth, but not here.

Things I Love...

1. How a good piece of art (performance or otherwise) makes me feel.
2. Improv.
3. How soft my hair feels when it's straight.
4. 65 degrees and sunny.
5. September weddings.
6. Remembering stories when I look at certain things in my apartment.
7. Unexpected apologies.
8. Perfect sentences.
9. Reading out loud.
10. Video chatting.
11. Warm Chai Tea.
12. Reading.
13. iTunes genius mixes.
14. Burritos.
15. Noble Tree.

I obviously love lists. I've said it before, but they really do help keep things in perspective. If I didn't make these lists, I know myself well enough to know I'd relive negativity constantly in my head. Forcing myself to remember all the wonderful things that happen in my day to day is the best thing I do with my time. And the real kicker lies in those moments where I'm unrestricted by 5 things, sometimes going into the hundreds. It doesn't matter how small these loves might seem; it only matters that they are there, having a presence, taking up space and making days better than they could have been otherwise. Good moods are an actively sought after state of mind.

Music & Things.

Things to Work On:
1. Saying what I mean.
2. Sorting out all my books.
3. Regularly reviewing how I spend my time.
4. Organizing my house, i.e. getting a table and another couch/chair.
5. Figuring out finances and budgeting.
6. Listening to more music.
7. Making a point to spend time with my mom.
8. Reading the rest of Atlas Shrugged.
9. Finishing up and starting new sketches for WADA.
10. Being less sarcastic and more genuine.
11. My vocabulary.
12. Memorizing my lines.

"I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am." -Colorblind, Counting Crows.

"You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands
And then roll over and die" -Coconut Skins, Damien Rice.

"Cos a sip
A sip
Or a spoonful won't do
Won't do nothing for you
Except mess you up" -Poison Cup, M.Ward.

"And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself" -Karma Police, Radiohead.

"Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky." -Ocean Breaths Salty, Modest Mouse. 

"She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
You know she begs me not to miss her." -She's a Jar, Wilco.

Enjoy the links to these songs.

Favorite Words. &. the Right Now.

1. Pedestrian.
2. Lexicon.
3. Turbulent.
4. Sheesh.

Language fascinates and excites me. People frustrate and encourage me. Arms length protects and separates me. Imagination propels and challenges me. Hurt defines and kills me. Sarcasm helps and destroys me. Happiness flees from and revels in me.

These are my things. They're mine. They're who I am. Today.

Indian giving.

I take it back.

There are a lot of things that have worth and are rated appropriately. College parties have their place. I love dogs, but I do stand by my disgust in cats, hamsters, and fish. I love people in a way that definitely is unique to me and, goodness, sleep can be a beautifully quiet relief from a rough day.

So, in short:
I fly by the seat of my pants, and what's true today might not necessarily be true tomorrow.

Five Things I Love Today:
1. Wearing scarves and boots again.
2. Spending time with my dad.
3. Reading Atlas Shrugged in Sunset Woods
4. Sitting in a hot tub when it's 61 degrees.
5. Waking up without an alarm.

Over-Rated

1. Most things.
2. Greek life. Or, college parties in general.
3. Having pets (unless it's a pup). Think: cats, hamsters, fish, et. al.
4. Caring.
5. Sleep.

So, I will be brief:
Throw your cares to the wind, because the nice thing about wind is that it can't hurt you.

Can I tell you a secret?

As much as I like hanging things up, I love the look of bare walls.

For how much I love earrings, I'd rather wear my pearl ring than anything else.

Even though shoes are one of my favorite things to buy, walking around barefoot is the best feeling.

Though there are parts of me that I won't allow to be truly accessible, I want to be.

I have an illogical fear of serial killers, and for some reason think a comforter will be more protective against one than a bed sheet.

For the most part, the books I still have are ones I have yet to read. The ones that are gone are already stored within my head somewhere, unless they're rereads.

Christianity, religion, faith, all that stuff — I grapple.

These are things that slowly sizzle into my mix, but I thought I'd just share them now. Being vulnerable is one thing I hate being, yet constantly feel without telling.

what a beautiful song.

I've begun to relisten to music that meant a lot to me throughout college. One band in particular, The Appleseed Cast, is getting a lot of attention right now. I like that they're mostly instrumental, and even though this particular song "Hello Dearest Love" does have lyrics, it's still a favorite. And as of this moment, it's making my heart twinge with thoughts on those relationships of yesteryear.

So enjoy it.

welcome home
her eyes know
mistakes you've made
the plans you laid

your love, it means so much
a simple ring, your fingers touch
break away, break away
your smile faints, and light shines through
plan it truth, it is to soon to ignore

she's not here
standing clear
in front of you
it's just a dream

times up, she's gone away
you had your time, but it won't stay
no not this time, no not this time
soon enough, you'll kill them all
every chance to break your fall
your giving in, your giving in

but she's the one
bright as the sun
stops you there
right on the stairs
and falling back
when stars are black
stripes on fire, stripes on fire

5 Things I Love...

1. the experience of all four seasons
2. how carpet looks just after its been vacuumed
3. reading
4. walking
5. diet coke
6. playing bananagrams and apples to apples with jackie, rebe, and amy
7. interning at iO
8. v-neck ts
9. flowers in hair
10. wind
11. french
12. debating
13. decision
14. sleeping with a pillow over my head
15. the pups
16. paintings
17. listening to music i forgot i had
18. high ceilings
19. dancing alone
20. smooth things like icecream and nutella and conversations and everything else that comes with ease.

What couldn't wait.

I'm writing this post from my phone. It seems very 21st century to me. Everything lately seems to have a bit of a futurey spin on it. In anycase, what couldn't wait for a computer to boot up...
5 things I love:
1. Family bonding.
2. Feeling ready.
3. Brunch.
4. Sending love to my younger brothers.
5. Snail mail.

hypocrisy

i both appreciate and dislike being called out on my shit. but. now that the laundry's out and drying, it might as well be admitted. i am a hypocrite. in related news, i do have a wide selection of music on my iTunes.

quote of the now: "what's with today, today?" -Lucas, Empire Records

happy september

this is my very favorite of months. throughout the year i am always looking forward to september. it's the perfect month. there's this thing that happens in september, and it can only be classified under unbelievable contentment.

so. in keeping with things i love, i give you this. matt wertz's "lonely tonight." it goes hand in hand with my last post regarding loneliness. i think september is perhaps the only month where the idea of walking around solo in the perfection of a crisp, smooth, lovely night thrills me.



"Lonely Tonight," Matt Wertz

6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that i came to this town

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

This is me on the eve of an ending
To what I've known's been constant for a year
And I'm so scared of this pain that I'll be sending
Sometimes I just want to run away in fear

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight

No, I haven't heard your voice in two weeks now
And anticipation's been wearing me thin
And I just can't help but wonderin' baby if somehow
We could tear these pages out and begin again

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me