Let's call lemons, Lemons.

The longer I'm out of college, the further I am from applying for the jobs I secretly always hoped I'd get. The thing about secrets is they shouldn't be kept. That's why 'it all comes out in the wash' is a saying.

But I've kept it a secret for too long. So long that it seems I'll never get to where I hope to land. It's a frustrating world enough without me getting in the way of myself.

Fuck it. I hope to make lots of money by carrying out a successful career in film and television. [See! I'm trying.]

I mean, everyone's working for something. Just, what?

A 401K. A car they bought themselves without the help of momsy and popsicle. Whatever your white horse is, I suppose.

But I always thought I'd be working towards this version of success: wealthy, famous, beautiful. My desires are cliché. I know. And back in the day when I believed in God with all I had, and hoped to 'change' the world, I'd look at those adjectives, the WFB, we'll call it, and think myself petty out-loud, but knew in reality that's what I wanted.

I could go on as many mission trips and church lock-ins, and all that shit, but really, I just wanted to play the quirky best friend in a chick-flick. So kill me.

Now, as 26 is pending, all but too close off, I'm kicking myself for not accepting my natural inclination for attention and hope to be noticed. (I'm not saying believing in God is bad, or trying to make the world a better place is for morons. Please, I'm just saying do what you gotta do.)

And I know where it comes from, this attention whore inside me. It's that I grew up in a family of eight, or that I'm a middle child, or that I'm a redhead, or that I already command attention with my frank attitude. Pick A, B, C, D, whatever. We're in business.

Either way. We all spend too much time waiting. And, I can't wait anymore. I have to. There are too many people who, for a long time, knew what they wanted and didn't care if it was construed as, or actually is, vain. I just wish I were higher up on this imagined Successful Life List. Or at least had a famous uncle or something. Get this girl a mentor.

Who knows. This could be the post that changed my life. Doubt it. Let's call lemons, Lemons. It's a start.