"Who am I?" "I don't know." "I guess I have a lot of things to ponder." -Derek Zoolander

“You don't know me at all.” –Ben Folds, featuring Regina Spektor, “You Don’t Know Me”

We all know what happens when we say things like, “ You don’t know me at all” to a counterpart—whether it’s a friendship where one’s Batman and the other’s Robin, or a parent to a child. The relationship is cut off and you start at scratch (or at least as much scratch as you can get). But what happens when you don’t know yourself at all? You can’t exactly sever all ties.

Ben Folds and Regina Spektor sang a duet on Fold’s semi-recent album Way to Normal (a route unknown all together), titled “You Don’t Know Me.” With a few small tricks of the piano, the melding of a man and woman’s poppy voices together, and rather depressing lyrics, a song was born. It’s actually sort of like The Weepies’ “Nobody Knows Me At All” from “Say I Am You,” but more about a sour relationship than a statement on repeat like The Weepies.

I was listening to both songs tonight. A friend sent me The Weepies tune earlier tonight, and last week Spektor dropped her follow-up album to hit-machine (though not her debut disc) “Begin to Hope.” The album, titled “Far,” plays sweetly, sometimes sadly, but mostly it’s just interesting. Sort of like this question I posed.

I’ve been thinking about the notion of Quarter-Life Crisis’s. Everyone’s heard of the pending Mid-Life Crisis, but it seems that everything is becoming fast forwarded, and now we’re stressing ourselves out earlier and earlier. This evening I was chatting with a friend from college about how I have these mini crises every day about life choices and the like. It got me to thinking about being 50 and wondering if I’d make the right choices. I guess I’m trying to get my crisis out of the way today, make the correct decisions now, so that I won’t have one comes the big five-oh. See, I can’t imagine being nearly done and thinking, “Well, what was the point? Was this the right path? Or just the path of least resistance?”

The only problem is that I don’t quite know what exactly I want to be doing. Leading me back to the serious issue of perhaps I don’t know myself (not necessarily a completely bad thing). We’ll see how this all pans out. I love that phrase, “It all comes out in the wash.” It makes me feel secure in my own strength, even though it’s meant to make people wary about telling lies.

“When I was a child everybody smiled, nobody knows me at all/ Very late at night and in the morning light, nobody knows me at all.” –The Weepies. “Nobody Knows Me At All”

Spam, Porn and the Like

I try to clear out my Spam box daily. I'm a bit anal when it comes to the way my gmail box looks, and right now it's bizarre to me that sans full-time job I have gotten lazy. Earlier today I deleted the Spam box with more than 500 emails in it.

And let me just ask, does it bother anyone else that almost all of the emails have something to do with either free credit or free sex?

I don't get it. When did all inhibitions become cast aside causing the Internet to blow up? In Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs," he makes the statement in one of the chapter essays that the reason the Internet expanded like it did was because of the notion that the Internet got rid of the awkwardness of buying pornography. Not only did you not have to accidentally run into your mom's best friend buying groceries, you got the porn for free. It seemed the best of both worlds, but I mean, please don't call me naive, but doesn't it sort of make you sick? There are over 500,000 sites dedicated to contrived nudity. Aren't there better things one could be doing with their time than either a. creating a free porn site? or b. looking at a free porn site? or the worst, c. paying for porn on the Internet because the free stuff doesn't quite do the trick?

I should think the Spam company (i.e. makers of Spam food (?) products, also contrived) would be upset that their good name has been tarnished by free porn marketers all over your Internet email address. But I guess a product that promotes its "World of effortless, everyday creativity," as Spam boasts on its website, probably wouldn't give a damn. It would require effort, and we've all figured out that free porn or being upset about its existence would require at least some small effort.

Allergy Season

If you've been in Chicago the last week, you will know that something strange has happened. A flip has been switched. One day it was 40 degrees, the next day it monsoon rained circa Thailand in the fall, and the next day there was light. Lots and lots of light. 84 degrees. 87 degrees, 92 degrees. And counting. Higher.

This is what happens in Chicago. Spring, the season for lovers and no bugs, does not exist, sadly. Typically Spring is the time that really bothers me around here, because I know, EVERYWHERE else, Spring is lovely. Come on, you've heard the phrase: Spring is sprouting. So great. Not here though. I think the reason mainly stems from the notion that Chicago summers will char whatever begins to grow during those three months—akin to the parable about the seeds being tossed into different areas. It goes like this. Three seeds are tossed, one in soft soil, that doesn't allow it to take root, so Chicago summer destroys it. Another falls into a rocky place and can't even make it to the small green stem phase. And the other goes into nice soft soil, taking root and growing. In Chicago you can't plant anything except perennials at the beginning of summer because it will die. Perennials are unique to this. Everything that grows has taken root the year before. Tulips are a great example of this.

Spring anywhere else really is enjoyable. Spring in Iowa is my favorite time of year there. Iowa gets great transition seasons in general though. Fall was also a favorite. Sweaters without jackets, no rain and sun with a breeze. I think I'm in the wrong state.

The other thing about Chicago's nonexistent Spring, is somehow, somehow my allergies still get kicked up a notch. It's really not fair though, as we don't get those beautiful weeks or 65 degrees-75 degrees and windy, the best time of the year by far across most of the country. We might, might, might get maybe, 5 days total like these. Days where the cherry trees bloom and take me back to the scent of spring as I rode my banana seat pink 2-wheeler to Cherokee Elementary School. The only nice thing about our cold Spring is the lead up to a warm summer, though this year has been unseasonably cold until Monday hit with 92 degrees reading on the thermometer. Just in time for summer, June 21.

Now the air is on and I can't go outside for a long time for fear of getting burnt. "It might be a crazy life, but it's my life." Thanks Jon & Kate Plus 8, another sad story.

New Music List

1. "You and I," Wilco with Feist, off of Wilco (The Album)

"You and I will not be strangers/ However we get sometimes it's like we never met/ But you and I, I think we can take it/ All the good with the bad, make something that no one else has/ You and I, You and I, Me and You/ What can we do? Well the words we use sometimes are misconstrued/ Well I wont guess, what's coming next"

2. "People Got a Lot of Nerve," Neko Case, off of Middle Cyclone

"You know they call them killer whales/ But you seem surprised/ When it pinned you down to the bottom of the tank/ Where you can't turn around/ It took half your leg and both your lungs/ And I craved I ate hearts of sharks, I know you know it/ I'm a man man man man, man man man eater/ But still you're surprised prised prised when I eat ya"

3. "Gone Are All the Days," Mirah, off of (a)spera

"And we were just a child with a myst that children make/ And we were running wild, no thoughts for what we'd break/ But gone are all the days, gone are all the days/ And once we learn to hide, our size did keep us safe/ The sidewalk cracks were wide, but to jump 'em made us brave/ But then the darkness came-a creepin' over every place/ Over time we took to sleeping, and let the weeds take over this place"

4. "Eet," Regina Spektor, off of Far

"It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song/ You can’t believe it/ You were always singing along/ It was so easy and the words so sweet/ You can’t remember/ You try to move your feet/ It was so easy and the words so sweet/ You can’t remember, you try to feel the beat"

5. "Everblue," Mandy Moore, off of Amanda Leigh

"So you made yourself a new world/ Where even strangers make more sense/ I pay the pain up right straight ahead/ And with the beat/ You can ease yourself into the light/ Or keep that record on repeat"

I'm Not 23 Yet, but I will be

"Lelaina: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: I don’t know who that is anymore." -Reality Bites

Next week I turn 23 years old. I may or may not be something by next week, Wednesday to be exact. In October when I came home for the weekend of my cousin Maureen's wedding I had a 23rd birthday party, off the cuff, at a hibachi restaurant called Mikasa Sukasa. Really I was just out with some cohorts of mine, and they decided all at once without planning that it was my birthday. The slew of Japanese waiters sang me their version of "Happy Birthday," I ate a pineapple with cocktail umbrellas in it, and was sad that I was so old.

It's weird that I'm actually going to be that old pretty soon. The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure 40-something-year-old moms and dads or even 30-year-old unmarrieds think, "Psh! Brigid, you're so young!" But not my parents. No, for them I'm never actually my own age, I'm either the 4-year-old version ["Do you need to get tucked in?"], 15-year-old version ["Brigid, stop being so hostile."] or 30-year-old version of myself ["Why don't you have your own business, job, house? Make sure you have a kid before you're too old."]. For real, this all happens. Seriously.

But I do think it would probably be quite difficult to be away from their kid for so long that they missed those actual maturation years in college, years where they couldn't be there, otherwise there might not have been such a drastic change. So, now that I'm home, there's this sort of push and pull where they don't know how old my age should equate to their treatment of me, or really any of my five siblings. [See our recently implemented 12 a.m. curfew for week nights and 2 a.m. on weekends. For real. I need to leave.]

It would all have been much easier if I actually was allowed by our ailing society to become the "something by the time I was 23." Unfortunately, Troy's response is true, but is something incomprehensible to myself and the Larry/Sheila Duo. And Lelaina's response makes it all the better, because for me, "I don't know who that is anymore" either.

cartoon voices

Sometimes I get on a "voice" roll. What this means is basically I develop the voice of what I think someone should or would sound like. I think I could make a killing working for Pixar, Dreamworks or Disney — if only I knew how to become friends with Robin Williams and somehow implement my voices into Aladdin Return of the King and the Genie and Raja (the tiger), coming to theaters never. I should have knocked on Sir Williams' door when we both were living in San Francisco. A shot at fame missed.

Periodically I burst out into comedic voices. I have a couple of characters: one named Bernice, the other her best friend Hermione. Then I've got my umpire voice "You're Outta here!" and a few other ditties, most recently a home gnome who sounds more akin to a baby as all talking is really just goos with intonation. It's gotten some praise from Brian's roommate Danny. Almost all friends in college have experienced my gremlin voice, and one friend, Elizabeth Steele, actually made it her ringtone. I'm 99 percent positive that any time someone heard it they attempted to download a version of it from Ring Tone Nation.

I typically start throwing out my old British lady voice when inebriated. Friends in France can attest to this. Others can also attest to my creepy child laugh, which has somehow morphed into an animé character giggling.

Anyway, most of you have heard these various characters at one point or another. So, this is all to say that I've been told by a few people so far that I should become a voice actress. Every time I hear this I just want to scream, "YES!" and periodically, I do actually scream "YES!" So, consider this my notification Cartoon Movie/Television: I'm coming. One way or another.

So, does anyone know how to break into the industry? I've got a few Hollywood connections, but nothing in the animation world.

Oh, and I should also mention I do a bad ass impersonation of Macy Gray, yeah, the one hit wonder. "Games, changes and fears/ When will they go from here?/ When will they stop?/ I believe that fate has brought us here...I try to say goodbye and I choke/ I try to walk away and I stumble." She may not rock so much, but I do.

Books I've read over the last year

1. Slam, Nick Hornby

2. A Long Way Down, Nick Hornby

3. We the Living, Ayn Rand

4. The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand

5. Confessions of a Shopaholic, Sophia Kinsella

6. Shopaholic Takes Manhattan, Sophia Kinsella

7. Shopaholic Ties the Knot, Sophia Kinsella

8. Shopaholic and Sister, Sophia Kinsella

9. When You Are Engulfed in Flames, David Sedaris

10. Do Travel Writers Go to Hell?, Thomas Kohnstamm

11. Under the Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken

12. Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman

13. Watchdog Journalism: The Art of Investigative Reporting, Steven J. Berry

Compiling the List of Yesteryear

I really enjoy making lists: to-do, check-lists, lists about things I enjoy, etc. etc. I'm a list girl. So, in keeping with my list satisfaction, I've decided to make a list chronicling all of the things I've done in the last year. My first year out of college went quickly at times and slowly at others, but now it's complete and I need to make sure I haven't wasted my time.

1. Graduated from the University of Iowa with Honors degree in Journalism & Mass Comm. and Distinction in English

2. Left Iowa City one week after graduation.

3. Went home for two weeks, began work at L. Marshall Inc. as an administrative assistant until my life caught up with me.

4. Turned 22, basically just 21 plus 1, no big thing.

5. Traveled to Rockford, IL for my good friend Meagan's wedding - was a bridesmaid

6. Applied to numerous positions, including one paid internship in San Francisco, California at Ode Magazine.

7. Took the editorial internship. Moved to California three weeks later. First day was July 6. Mommy Sheila flew out with me. We took a tour of SF to make sure I liked it enough to stay. Visited the Japanese Tea Garden, had sushi in the Richmond, met and fell in love with roommates Nancy and Drina.

8. Jumped headfirst into the job. Wrote dozens of articles for Ode, compiled special reports, edited, copywrote and lived.

9. Colleen visited SF. We went to Muir Woods, ate at Cha Cha Chas Tapas in the Haight, thrift shopped by Golden Gate, visited SF Museum of Modern Art's (MOMA) Frida Kahlo exhibit, drank California wines, and saw a movie about California wine making at Robert Redford's Sundance Theatre.

10. Brian visited SF. We wine tasted, went to a Giant's game, walked around the downtown, ate Mexican in the Mission, made homemade cookies, hit up a sweet Ryan Adams concert at the Fillmore (it was a surprise!) and went to the San Francisco Outside Lands Music Festival.

11. Roommate's Nancy and Drina, and I hit up Golden Gate Park for the Hardly, Strictly Bluegrass Festival. We watched Emmylou Harris, Odetta, Iron and Wine, Joe Purdy, and everyone great during a beautiful San Francisco Indian Summer October day.

12. I went back to Chicago for my cousin Maureen's wedding in October. Stayed for a little over a weekend. Colleen came back from LA too. Family bonding to the nth. Go back to SF to finish the internship and tie up loose ends for about a month and a half.

13. Squeezed in a trip to Las Vegas visiting then-Newly Weds Meagan and Dan Walsh with Brian. Went rock climbing at Red Rocks, hit up a few casinos, lost $20 to the locals, saw the Beatles Love Show at the Mirage, imagined myself as one of Ocean's 13, and jumped out of an airplane for a little mid-morning skydiving. Lived to tell the tale.

14. Kerstin squeezes in a visit to San Francisco while she's working in LA on an engineering job for the Nokia Club. We obviously go shoe shopping, travel to Alcatraz Island, go out to a fancy restaurant in the Marina and meet up with some of my friends for a comedy show downtown. Celebrate Nancy's birthday with a party in the backyard and an apple dessert bar!

15. Somehow now Californian's, yet Midwesterners, Brandon, Kelly and I manage to meet and hang out multiple times during all of this mayhem. Though we never made it into the SF Zoo together, we did do a wine tasting, hang at the beach, see movies, and go out to dinner.

16. Last day at Ode. Get a ride to work with managing editor, Marco, as per usual. We talk about nothing and writing and everything, and then have the last day, which is like any other. Eat cupcakes with the staff. I had a double chocolate Oreo: Hostess Mostess concoction. Wonderful goodbye treat.

17. I managed to get published in each Ode Magazine while interning and in the next four issues after said internship. Learned a ton about publishing, what it takes to really make it in magazines, and figured out I wanted to go to graduate school eventually for something.

18. Mommy Sheila flies to San Francisco on my last day at Ode. She hangs with Nancy, then meets me after work. We get tapas in the Mission. Next day we visit the San Francisco Zoo (finally!) with Drina. Brandon and Kelly can't make it. No bigs. We visit SF's de Young Art Museum. Then, we rent a car and drive 12 hours along the Pacific Coast Highway stopping in Monteray for lunch and Sea Lion sightings and then go to the Hearst Castle in San Simeon for two and a half hours. It was a long and beautiful dream.

19. Finally arrive in Los Angeles. Angry elves: Sheila and Brigid. Annoyed that the other exists at all. Get Italian food with Colleen. Visit with Graham, Charlie and Jordan, while Pat sleeps. Get an angry message from Pat that still hurts my feelings. Colleen and I decide we want to go to the Laugh Factory, we see John Lovitz after getting sushi with She-She. Mom and I take a tour of Hollywood. We go shopping in all the hot spots. I get a Michael Kors dress. I am in love with said dress. See Paramount studios. Visit with Elizabeth Steele, college roomie, who now lives in Hollywood. We get icecream, obviously. Visit to LA is too short. Sad.

20. Fly home. Graham is in the car with the three Marshall women. We apologize incessantly.

21. Get home just in time for Thanksgiving and Mommy's birthday.

22. Two weeks go by. Visit alma mater, Iowa, and all my friends there. Another week goes by. Christmas shopping, hanging with Brian and friends. Christmas arrives. Receive banjo from Brian. Go to Michigan for skiing with family. Get back New Years Eve. That night go out with Brian, his roommates and my friends. Have a good time, all said and done.

23. January, drive with cousin Colleen Quinlan to Georgetown for her final semester. Stay for 6 days. Visit National Archives, visit with friends Abby Bartine and Kyle Simpson. Want to move there. Still in my mind. We'll see. Visit the NEWseum, see a friend, who works there randomly, ask for a job. Drop off resume. No word. No bigs. Drop off more resumes. Visit American University's Journalism graduate program and their International Communications program. Really loved it. Plan on studying for GRE and LSAT. Higher education, here I come.

24. Get home. Meet with family friend to figure out job situation. Send out resumes, get recommended, fly to New York for three interviews. Find out there is no job at the end of the Yellow Brick Road, just informational interviews. Stay with childhood friend, Kate Hawes, yay no hotel fees!

25. Apply for more jobs. Valentine's Day happens. Hang with Brian. He makes delicious lobster and fillet dinner. :) Vow to learn banjo well. Start lessons. Get ready for a week in Florida with Grandpa Harry, Grandma Celeste, Mommy Sheila and my cousin Patrick with his wife Susie. Bonding!

26. Get a job as a regular substitute for St. Martin de Porres High School in Waukegan. It's a work4ed school for disadvantaged students. Good stuff. Get another job as a temp worker for 33 Personnel in Chicago. Get another job as a Sales Associate at J. Crew Inc. in Skokie. Finally am more busy, but still feel like I need something more.

27. Visit Iowa City again. Hang with Paul and baby Isaiah. Guest host for KRUI 89.7's 25th Anniversary Weekend. Woo! Catch up with friends finishing school, and figuring out lives. Go home in time for St. Patrick's Day: Southside Irish Parade with cousins.

28. April: Brian's Birthday & Anniversary. Woo! Celebrate with his family just a few hours after a wake. Sad. More sad for Brian though. Strange birthday. April was a big month. White Sox Opening Day happens.

29. Cassie's wedding shower. Buy a griddle. Experience what it's like to buy cutlery. Interesting. I will wait.

30. Erwin and Medina wed! May 16. Colleen's birthday too. Travel to Iowa City for John Wilmes, Sarah Burnett, Sara Stratton and Anne Lingwall's graduation. Continue driving on I-80 into Des Moines. Bachelorette Dinner Party and Wedding Shower with bestfriend Elizabeth. Get interesting advice for her from the marrieds in the group. Spend time with Elizabeth and her family. Get nails done, hang with Steele and Meagan. Rehearsal happens. We cry. Rehearsal dinner happens. We laugh. Meet Elizabeth's friend Lisa, all is well with the world. Next day. Brian drives in from Chicago. Wedding. Somehow Steele, Ekberg/Walsh and I are early. Like by an hour. Amazing. This never happens. Erwin is late. Wedding happens. She is now Medina. Reception. Beautiful. Wish it would have never ended. Jacob, Dance Monster, Erwin, Elizabeth's 4-year-old nephew, dances like a fiend and then invites Steele and I to his 5th birthday party. He let's us know there are extra beds in the basement. Nice. Was a bridesmaid.

31. Fly to New York again for a job interview. Meet up with Kate Hawes again. Hang in Central Park. Really pleasant. Enjoy a nice spring day. Wear new suit I bought from J. Crew. Don't get job. Sad. Fly home. Blackhawks get out of the Stanley Cup runnings. Sad. They fly home from Detroit. Sad.

32. Contact Teach For America people. Apply for a job. Get an interview. Interview is next week. Preparing now. Hope I get it. Doesn't start until August. Would be perfect.

34. Have a feeling I will be attending some sort of higher education in the near future. LSAT prep course and possible GRE prep course are in the works. I love to learn, an exciting thing I'm trying to convey to my sub students.

35. Wait. We'll see what happens next.

Readjusting Revitalization

The Weepies, "World Spins Madly On"
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

This time of year usually has me in its grasp. It usually has me feeling fresh, renewed, ready for the next best thing. Spring. All this talk of college graduation has me struggling though. I already did all that. I was revitalized — this time last year. But what about this time this year — now? It seems the world is spinning madly on without me.

I find that I am so fickle in these life choices I'm failing each day at making.

During mass yesterday Father McGovern talked about competition. He spoke of how we compare ourselves to everyone, our friends, our family, our schoolmates. It's the way of capitalism, I suppose. But he made the genuine point that we should not only abstain from doing that, but instead take our talents, gifts, etc. and use them not for our own glory, but for God's. Sort of a "the first becomes last and the last becomes first" deal. I mean, I've always thought about that as a given. I've always wanted to do my best. The only thing I never thought of was the notion that all my life I've viewed the concept of "My Best" as in comparison to others. As if I could not possibly have achieved my best without beating Jimmy, Johnny and Jenny.

Now more than ever I am realizing certain qualities about myself that seem to be coming out more often. I am an extremely jealous person, and that is not good. Listening to The Weepies wallow in the idea that the world is spinning madly on without us had me feeling like I wasn't just jealous that others are moving on in this world, but that they get to. For some reason or another, and I suppose I'll figure it out soon enough, I am feeling held back. I never thought of myself as a person who was afraid, but now I am. I need that sense of revitalization that abounded throughout me as commencement approached last year.

Becoming renewed to me always meant becoming something new. What I didn't quite catch was the "re" part. Meaning, being made new again, taking our old self and reworking it to be new, not getting rid of the old, just adjusting. I need an adjustment. I just don't know how yet.