Readjusting Revitalization

The Weepies, "World Spins Madly On"
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

This time of year usually has me in its grasp. It usually has me feeling fresh, renewed, ready for the next best thing. Spring. All this talk of college graduation has me struggling though. I already did all that. I was revitalized — this time last year. But what about this time this year — now? It seems the world is spinning madly on without me.

I find that I am so fickle in these life choices I'm failing each day at making.

During mass yesterday Father McGovern talked about competition. He spoke of how we compare ourselves to everyone, our friends, our family, our schoolmates. It's the way of capitalism, I suppose. But he made the genuine point that we should not only abstain from doing that, but instead take our talents, gifts, etc. and use them not for our own glory, but for God's. Sort of a "the first becomes last and the last becomes first" deal. I mean, I've always thought about that as a given. I've always wanted to do my best. The only thing I never thought of was the notion that all my life I've viewed the concept of "My Best" as in comparison to others. As if I could not possibly have achieved my best without beating Jimmy, Johnny and Jenny.

Now more than ever I am realizing certain qualities about myself that seem to be coming out more often. I am an extremely jealous person, and that is not good. Listening to The Weepies wallow in the idea that the world is spinning madly on without us had me feeling like I wasn't just jealous that others are moving on in this world, but that they get to. For some reason or another, and I suppose I'll figure it out soon enough, I am feeling held back. I never thought of myself as a person who was afraid, but now I am. I need that sense of revitalization that abounded throughout me as commencement approached last year.

Becoming renewed to me always meant becoming something new. What I didn't quite catch was the "re" part. Meaning, being made new again, taking our old self and reworking it to be new, not getting rid of the old, just adjusting. I need an adjustment. I just don't know how yet.