feeeeeeelings

this is how i used to feel, slash sometimes slash often still feel:

CS lewis

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." 

Just something I've been thinking about.

5 things

1. i love fresh flowers
2. i love warm apple cider
3. i love esse nail polish
4. i love my brothers and my sister
5. i love when people use coasters without me asking them to

 continued.

6. i love the way trees look without leaves
7. i love board games
8. i love getting snacks during class breaks
9.  i love a well made bed
10. i love feeling safe

right now there are a lot of things i dont love. but. im trying to remember there are a lot of things i do.

5 things. they're back again.

1. honesty
2. dancing
3. looking forward
4. driving long distances alone
5. weddings

a beautiful spirit

a good friend of mine believes i have a beautiful spirit. i need to hear this these days. because i don't believe it. you know when you've been the lowest you've been and you can't believe that anyone else could ever have been where you are. this. this is where i live.

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

i will not rot. despite my overwhelmed soul, i know who i am even if i haven't been her in too long.

Pretty great life, actually.

Math has always been a bitch to me. For years my mom encouraged me to follow in her nursing footsteps, or to at least get a degree that had some sort of profession attached to the end of it. Teacher. Engineer. What have you. So, like any Marshall, I started off in theatre, thinking actress, then added Journalism thinking celeb journalist, then I dropped theatre and added English thinking professional writer, but of important things -- and shit.

The "and shit" part was very important. The "and shit" part meant that I learned to draw from anything. That I could see something and say something, and it wouldn't have to be to the train conductor about a bag that I found unattended. It meant I could essentially take any sort of class and accurately write about it, reflect on it and become a better human. It sounds retarded. And yeah, my Big Ten education couldn't nix from my lexicon the word "retarded." The thing is, I've become this life long learner. And yes, life is long, so by the time I'm 30 I could be in a different boat, or by 40, 50, 60, really any number, but I think I will always have this thirst for knowledge. I know myself well enough to know this reflective interior won't be going anywhere.

It's made me a better performer. It's enlarged my worldview. Sure, I'm not reporting on murders in Homs. And maybe I'm not reporting nightly for E! news. But I really like my life. I'm glad I didn't pursue a degree that had an end of the rainbow. Mine keeps going with every show, with every class, with every job I've ever had. Pretty great life, actually.

The Perks of Being a Flower.

Well, if you're anything like the flower I brutally massacred in my kitchen, then there aren't many perks. Unfortunately, my begonia is dead. A slow murder from the moment I claimed it as my own.

Begonias. Cruel flowers. But yeah, it's official. I slowly murdered that orange begonia Dexter-style, one soggy root at a time. I thought about taking it back to the shop, withered and dead, but then questioned whether it was really worth the effort. I guess that's how I started out feeling with it as well, so it serves me right that now it's toast, and not delicious covered in jam. But that  gross hardened toast, then soaked damp with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. What a mess.