dancing with my own shadow

The lights go out, I am all alone
All the trees outside are buried in the snow
I spend my night dancing with my own shadow
And it holds me and it never lets me go
-Of Monsters & Men

For most of my life I have lived as an atypical righteous good girl. Judgmental, sure. From a good place, always. It's only as an adult that I now live in shades of grey, though not quite fifty. I'm unsure of my life choices, unsure if there's a master plan, unsure if any of this matters in any way at all. One of my life friends (a friend I will retain for life) refers to himself as a nihilist and lives as such. He lives for today. Lives abroad. Cares about others. At times dresses in a style that would make a stranger wonder if he were homeless.

In a way that sort of nothingness is both freeing and emptying. If nothing matters than we're free to live without expectation, aside from the ones we may still decide to give ourselves. My friend has given himself the expectation that he will always aspire to learn about the world, himself and others, while abiding by the basic principle that his freewill should not affect or diminish that of another in a negative manner.

Honestly, I don't think a lot matters. Not to any serious point, at least. Is that sad? Probably. For me, I think that what matters is what you do in the moment and whether that will color the decisions you make thereafter positively. What matters is, if you can go to sleep and feel like you had a day worth living.

I want to know if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments

-Oriah, "The Invitation"

I've made choices. I've made choices that I once would have deemed poor, but now having made them, I don't feel badly because the terrible things that I assumed would come simply didn't. My fears weren't justified. What is that? How can I have been so convicted, so convinced, in other words, so sure? And this is where I am. In the middle of a sea of grey. Empty and full at the same time.

All I want to do is live in a way that won't fade away from memory. No words have ever rang more true than these:

"Everything in life is about being seen, or not seen, and eventually, everything IS seen." 

-Brooke, "Other Desert Cities"

Maybe I'm not a nihilist. And maybe I don't know what happens when we die, but I know that for now, what I do on a day-to-day basis can be found reflected in this notion of being seen. It's likely the reason I love to perform. You don't feel alone when you perform. Even when you're on stage solo. There's a crowd. And there's a bond, and even if it's fleeting, you remember it. Those moments.