I am an endless well of love. I really am, and I don't want to be any other way.

In my whole life, the only thing I've ever been certain I wanted, but didn't know it was certain I could have, is encapsulated by this TS Eliot poem:

It’s called, “A Dedication to My Wife,”

To whom I owe the leaping delight
That quickens my senses in our wakingtime
And the rhythm that governs the repose of our sleepingtime,
the breathing in unison.

Of lovers whose bodies smell of each other
Who think the same thoughts without need of speech,
And babble the same speech without need of meaning...

No peevish winter wind shall chill
No sullen tropic sun shall wither
The roses in the rose-garden which is ours and ours only

But this dedication is for others to read:
These are private words addressed to you in public.

I read this piece in The Cut -- and among other things, it solidified more deeply my belief that I am in fact courageous for loving deeply. I am vulnerable enough to say "I love you" first. I am honest enough to admit to myself and to others that I have hurt them, and I am so sorry.

As someone who consistently feels like I have to justify my presence, I want to keep being someone that looks at others and lets them know that they deserve to be there. I want to treat myself with the same love and care I have for others. And I deserve that same care back. I might not always get it, but I know I deserve it.

I can be empathetic, compassionate and loving, and still know my worth when someone makes me feel like I am less than worthy. I can understand that they didn't mean to. I can know that whatever is or was perhaps had nothing to do with me at all, but know it affected me, and it hurt me. And I can even know that I don't have to be OK with that to move past it. I can forgive them, and I can love myself and them more still.

This quote from Rumi echoes these feelings too.

I've said this aloud before, but sometimes it helps me to write it so I can remember this moment later -- I am an endless well of love. I really am, and I don't want to be any other way.

It might seem like too much, and I might be too much, but we all deserve to be deeply loved; I deserve to be deeply loved. Any other way is selling ourselves short because the truth is everything you want... you can have it.

xx