settled

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep. After returning late from an improv show at iO I was stuck thinking and rethinking about everything that had happened before, during, and after the show. Since I'm moving to Los Angeles in about a month all I've done lately is reflect on my years in Chicago. I had a few things to do on my checklist before I could leave here. I've done them all, and now I'm more than ready. But it's been all the things and people between those bullet points that have made Chicago everything. I landed here by default, but I chose to stay for as long as I have because I loved it.

All night Monday I was up going through drawers in my bedroom, clearing out what I assumed would be junk, but what I found instead was treasure. I found countless notes, cards and keepsakes from nights out. These were things I knew I would want to look at again before I boxed them in an old shoebox. I know myself well enough to know that these are the things I'll want to look back at when feeling low, maybe in LA, maybe wherever I go after that.

One of my favorite little things I found was a piece of white computer paper that I had written some thoughts on one night while at my parents house. There were existential questions like, "Why are we here?" and hopefully non-predictive statements such as, "Eventually, I will be broke," accompanied by an arrow pointing to the name: Peter Francis Geracy, Illinois' premier bankruptcy attorney. I can't decide if I meant PFG will say this or if he's whom I should call about going broke in the future. Both seem like viable options. But, what I liked most about this note I'd unintentionally written to myself was this poem:

They never loved you
I never loved you
I loved you, but I didn't
I did as much as I could

-and I was timid.
I was nervous. and I acted like we were new. and then it was old.
we were old. and we weren't supposed to be together
-and now I'm scared that I'll be alone and you were it.
and now I'm alone, but I never settled
Is that better?

-I wasted your time.
-I wasted your time.

It was followed with this:

If I were me right now I'd run. I'd be fine, until right before. My heart would race like crazy and I'd convince myself it wasn't nerves -- until I'd realize that would mean I'd have a heart condition. I have it all prepared. I have it played out in my mind. Why does my body convince itself it's not ready. Not prepared. No one else up here is really all that special. Every day I think -- I could do that. But here I am failing at the one thing I want. It'd be sort of funny to want to be a banker. And every time you count money you can't count because money made you so nervous. Living in general would be difficult. Money is such a big part of life. It really is.

There's this constant push to be moving forward, and I love that push. I love that drive, that fire, to pursue life fully despite nerves, despite fear, despite obstacles. It's a funny thing to never feel settled, and perhaps it's less in the destination, but more in the people where you're settled. Once you find your people, that's where the comfort is. So for me, I'm settled in Chicago. I'm settled in Iowa. I'm settled in the U.P. I'm settled in Lake Forest. I'm settled in San Francisco. I'm settled in Los Angeles. I'm settled all over because everyone I love is out there pursuing their lives, as I am.

So no, I did not waste anyone's time and no one wasted mine.

diggin and tearin.

"And we can do the zarathustra
We can do the broken fist
We can tear down all the borders
Or abbreviate the list
And when finally the finish line
Emerges from the mist we'll sound
A soft alarm"

-clap your hands say yeah

Listen to Me

guilty pleasure.

katy perry. "You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong"

Loveliness from Iron & Wine

Fever Dream
"Some days, like rain on the doorstep
She’ll cover me
With grace in all she offers
Sometimes I'd like just to ask her
What honest words
She can’t afford to say, like

I want your flowers like babies want God’s love
Or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come"

Music & Things.

Things to Work On:
1. Saying what I mean.
2. Sorting out all my books.
3. Regularly reviewing how I spend my time.
4. Organizing my house, i.e. getting a table and another couch/chair.
5. Figuring out finances and budgeting.
6. Listening to more music.
7. Making a point to spend time with my mom.
8. Reading the rest of Atlas Shrugged.
9. Finishing up and starting new sketches for WADA.
10. Being less sarcastic and more genuine.
11. My vocabulary.
12. Memorizing my lines.

"I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am." -Colorblind, Counting Crows.

"You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands
And then roll over and die" -Coconut Skins, Damien Rice.

"Cos a sip
A sip
Or a spoonful won't do
Won't do nothing for you
Except mess you up" -Poison Cup, M.Ward.

"And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself" -Karma Police, Radiohead.

"Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky." -Ocean Breaths Salty, Modest Mouse. 

"She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
You know she begs me not to miss her." -She's a Jar, Wilco.

Enjoy the links to these songs.

hypocrisy

i both appreciate and dislike being called out on my shit. but. now that the laundry's out and drying, it might as well be admitted. i am a hypocrite. in related news, i do have a wide selection of music on my iTunes.

quote of the now: "what's with today, today?" -Lucas, Empire Records

Nobel (Un)Worthy

This morning I rushed to work, though no one is ever here to scold me for being late, and obviously, I ripped open my newspaper. OK, that last part may be a lie brought on by four years of pretending I'd read the paper before my journalism classes. Seriously, I would bring in three newspapers into class with me every day and maybe read two stories in each. I guess that should have told me something about the declining state of journalism as not even up-and-coming journalists such as myself at the time could get through a full paper even once a week.

I did today, however, look at my google hot trends and found these words glaring at me: Obama Nobel Peace Prize. I'd like to make this clear: I root for our Presidents. I root for the one that everyone thinks is failing and I root for the ones I like and the ones I don't like. I root for them because I don't think talking negatively about a President does anything constructive, and I root for them because most people do better when they have some form of positive support. Deductive reasoning: I rooted for Bush to do what was right, and now I'm rooting for Obama to do what's right. I have not said by any means that either of them have in the past or will in the future do what was/is right. I just am saying that I root for them to do such.

OK. With that all out there, I do want to say that I do not think President Obama's efforts over the past nine months warrant a Nobel Peace Prize. P.O. won the award not for his actual delivery on change, but his rhetoric about change. Those are in no way the same thing. This Washington Post article makes a quality point, effectively undercutting committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland's decision to choose P.O.:

"In response to questions from reporters in Oslo, who noted that Obama so far has made little concrete progress in achieving his lofty agenda, committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland said he hoped the prize would add momentum to Obama's efforts. At the same time, Jagland said, 'We have not given the prize for what may happen in the future. We are awarding Obama for what he has done in the past year. And we are hoping this may contribute a little bit for what he is trying to do.'"

But the best is yet to come, when pushed further Jagland sites not those concrete progress points, no, he sites:

"Obama's speech about Islam in Cairo last spring, as well as efforts to address nuclear proliferation and climate change and use established international bodies such as the United Nations to pursue his goals."

And to bring the point home that this award now means less than it did previously:

"'Think about it, it's so post-modern: a leader can now win the peace prize for saying that he hopes to bring about peace at some point in the future,' sniped Wall Street Journal deputy editor Iain Martin in an online post. 'He doesn't actually have to do it, he just has to have aspirations. Brilliant.'"

And doesn't he have a point? We might as well be giving it away to Beauty Queens saying that they wish for world peace.

Again, I root for our Presidents because they are our Presidents. I have respect for the Office of the President of the United States, but I don't think that necessitates my support for awarding something that actually has little to back up the trophy — or I suppose prize in this case. The committee's decision to award P.O. preemptively, in my express opinion, is meaningless and now hereafter the Nobel Peace Prize will be nothing more than another novelty award that doesn't actually say or represent anything. We should call it a Grammy or a Kids Choice Award.

Two Quotes to Live By

"To me, working is a form of sustenance, like food or water, and nearly as essential." -Katharine Graham, Personal History, p. 623

"The longer I live, the more I observe that carrying around anger is more debilitating to the person who bears it." -Katharine Graham, Personal History, p. 614

Swimming.

So far working at Liz Laine Reps has been really freeing. Literally. Today I got let out three hours early due to a phone and Internet problem. But, even if I was still there it would be great. Working in an environment with just a few others around truly affords the hard to come by visibility that's really difficult to access in a big corporate environment. Already I've been able to meet the creative team from DDB Chicago and have scheduled screenings and trips to other advertising agencies, along with introducing myself to our roster of animators and directors. Really I'm just jumping into the thick of it and hoping I won't make a mess of things, but actually will exceed expectation.

And, it's helpful to check in with friends, too, who are diving deeply into their chosen life-for-the-moment. Here's a quote from Paul's blog that he practically never posts on, hence the title of the post: "I haven't Posted Since my Birthday."

"nothing else that needs to be said except life is predictable but at the same time full of surprises. i am learning to give all i can in the situation that i am in, and when it is over, i can move forward knowing that i did what i was supposed to do."

The Second Wind

"The fatigue of the climb was great but it is interesting to learn once more how much further one can go on one's second wind. I think that is an important lesson for everyone to learn for it should also be applied to one's mental efforts.

Most people go through life without ever discovering the existence of that whole field of endeavor which we describe as second wind.

Whether mentally or physically occupied most people give up at the first appearance of exhaustion. Thus they never learn the glory and the exhilaration of genuine effort."

-from Personal History, by Katharine Graham, as quoted from her mother's diary entry.

Over the past week I have begun reading Katharine Graham's autobiography. I am going to be frank here: I love it.

For those of you who do not know, Katharine Graham (neé Meyer) was the publisher of The Washington Post for two decades, which fortune would have it were during the Watergate times. It should also be noted that perhaps I might be a teensy bit biased, as I love journalism and history more than your common 23-year-old. Anyway, the Post broke the story first, with leaks and off-the-record witnesses and eventually publishing the entirety of the Pentagon Papers. Graham's father purchased the Post in the 30s when it was a dying venture and passed it on to Katharine's husband, Phil Graham. He ran it until Katharine eventually took the reigns.

What amazes me most about Katharine herself was her genuine charismatic personality. And what further excites me is her zest for life, change in career paths, interest in politics, desire to be a mother—all of these things. I think what attracts me most is simply the notion that she is a woman I not only admire, but want to emulate. While she was handed almost everything, she never took it for granted, and she knew what to do with it once it had been given her.

Her whole life seems like a second wind after a second wind after a second wind. And it's true, most people go through life permitting themselves only the status quo, but she didn't, and I don't intend to.

big ideas. friends. change.

"A big idea will change you. Your friends may love you, but they don't want you to change. If you change, then their dynamic with you also changes. They like things the way they are; that's how they love you - the way you are, not the way you may become... Good ideas alter the power balance in relationships. That is why good ideas are always
initially resisted." ~ Hugh Macleod

Ode to Paul.

People think that at the top there isn't much room. They tend to think
of it as an Everest. My message is that there is tons of room at the
top.
Margaret Thatcher

A good friend of mine always emails me helpful quotes when I need them. I'm thankful for that. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd find myself alone, eating cookies and watching Gilmore Girls. Hooray for that sort of quality friend. I hope everyone has one.

plans. over-rated? depending on the sort.

"I moved around from town to town, lots of people around, but still so lonely. Friendships would go, then I'd hit the road. Making up excuses for why I had to leave." -Kimya Dawson

Truthfully, I love moving around, but I also like the idea of stability, which is why I'm trying for hard to find a job where I can build a career. I wouldn't mind working somewhere for a year then quitting to travel for a year or so. When I say I wouldn't mind, I actually mean to say that's sort of the plan. You know. Live, Work, and in between breath and travel. We'll see.

Time, Space, Photos and Speed

I read this today:

"Everything is temporary. And that is neither good, nor bad; it's just temporary."

I don't know who said it, I just know i like it, and so, I wanted to share it.

It's funny, after reading this I suddenly wanted to know what the visual representation for time was. Naturally I googled the word time, clicked on images, and after getting a couple digitized numbers and then a few Time, Inc. Magazine covers, I found this photo. This blurred photo of people moving too quick to be captured. I like the idea of moving too fast for someone to actually catch you in focus. Something really cool about that to me.

French, so I love it.

"Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself."

I got this in an email from my dear friend Paul. It's a quote from someone named Madeleine L'Engle. She's french, so not only do I love her, but I respect her. This time last year I was just starting to get used to living in France. I miss it.

"i got somethin' on my mind-grapes."

"I speak to this because I have got the strong impression that there are rather a lot of Christians who shut their eyes to harsh realities, including sin. The good people of my Episcopal church, despite my letter, were doing just that sort of eye-shutting. No doubt Christians I'm speaking of hate sin (when they can see it), but they are unwilling to look at unpleasant realities—unwilling, indeed, even to look at, let alone love, the sinner. It would be sad if the world saw Christians as so many ostriches with their heads buried firmly in the sand. But many do see Christians that way. That's not the faith that will overcome the world."

—"Under the Mercy," Sheldon Vanauken

"What Led Me to this Town?" The Jayhawks

What led me to this town
Room to roam but no place called home
Dazed at first but shaking off the Sunday gloom
What led me to this town?

Such a lazy afternoon
Eight shades of gray and I can taste the rain
Oh, how high the lovely have flown
What led me to this town?

Blue lights shining over my life
Blue lights shining over my life

Sometimes I can't get free
When you're standing right there in front of me
I woke up one day and my dreams were gone
What led me to this town?

Blue lights shining over my life
Blue lights shining over me

Are you keeping a secret?
Well I'm keeping one too
Can you keep it a secret, I'm in love with you

What happened to this boy?
Such a lovely mother's son

Blue lights shining over my life
Blue lights shining over me

Setting Sail

Since my computer was stolen last year I haven't completely put my album collection on my iTunes. Today, while at work, I was listening to Pandora.com and was really in the mood for some Dave Matthews Band, surprisingly enough. Anyway, I hadn't listened to Dave's solo album in a long time, and this song popped up. Good one. Here are the lyrics. I'd like to think of myself as a ship in bottle that's set sail against the current. It's exciting to be doing what I had always wanted to do. I'm out in the world, living across the country, exploring life for a bit, trying to create a niche while I'm here. I'm here, aren't I? If everything is lost, make sure to check out Pandora.com the next shot you get.

Baby

Baby, It's alright
Stop your cryin' now

Nothing is here to stay
Everything has to begin and end
A ship in a bottle won't sail
All we can do is dream that the
wind will blow us across the water
A ship in a bottle set sail

Baby, It's alright
Stop your cryin' now

There was a weakling man
who dreamed he was strong as a hurricane
A ship in a bottle set sail
He took a deep breath and blew across the world
he watched everything crumble
woke up a weakling again

Some might tell you there's no hope in hand
just because they feel hopeless
but you don't have to be a thing like that
You'll be a ship in a bottle set sail

Baby' It's alright stop your cryin' now
It's alright so stop your cryin' now

You'll be a ship in a bottle set sail

so far away

This song makes me sad every time I listen to it. I love it.

"Tell You Something (Nana's Reprise)," Alicia Keys

Get so caught up everyday
Trying to keep it all together
While the time it slips away
You see I know nothing last forever

Imagine there was no tomorrow
Imagine that I couldn't see your face
There would be no limit to my sorrow
So all I can say

I wanna tell you something, give you something
Show you in so many ways
'cause it would all mean nothing if I don't say something before it all goes away
Don't wanna wait to bring you flowers, waste another hour let alone another day
I'm gonna tell you something, show you something, won't wait till it's too late

Just a simple conversation
Just a moment is all it takes
I wanna be there just to listen
And I don't wanna hesitate

Imagine there was no tomorrow
Imagine that I couldn't see your face
There would be no limit to my sorrow
'cause there's nothing that could fill that space
I don't wanna put it off for too long
I didn't say all that I had to say
I wanna take my time and right the wrong before we get to that place

Just lean on my shoulder,
It's not over till it's over
Don't worry about it cause
I'm gonna make sure our bond gets stronger
I don't wanna wait till the storm and something wrong and now you're gone and I can't find you

I can't wait, I can't wait, I won't wait, I don't wanna wait

beatles

i watched "across the universe" last night.
now i'm on a beatles kick.


Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise