the past/ sitting/ and the future.

You can light the fire that's in your head

Put it off, tomorrow will come instead

We don't watch the tower that tells us when

Pull the wicked flower out from its bed.

The Dodos, "Walking"

This time last year I was passing through Arizona, crossing the border into California, and eventually rolling up into Los Angeles onto Russell Avenue. A new apartment in my continued life, a new part.

One of the most generous, caring and scattered people I've ever met and loved forever, Carly Mandell, was in tow. And sweet, thoughtful, generous and gentle, Alli Arnold, was waiting with fresh homemade cookies and beers. Everything I saved from my old life was with me, ready to be part of what my parents called my "new adventure." (I originally thought that was a rather condescending sentiment, but then again, when my sister Colleen moved out here in 2008, my parents referred to Los Angeles as "Camp Hollywood" for two years.)

Three-hundred-sixty-five days isn't that many days (even if spelling it out makes it seem the opposite), and the longer I am here, the more I realize that truth. It's so funny. The first question new people ask of you tends to be, "How long have you been here?" or some derivative, and after about three months, I literally became old news; that felt so good. It feels good to be considered part of this insanely transient city where people are like migrating birds, telling themselves: "I'll give it a month," "I'll give it a year," "I'm just testing out the waters," "I'm going to see what I'm made of," etc.

But then you meet the people that are here for decades, that grew up here, that have no intention of leaving — and you're a baby to them, this one-year-old baby with chubby cheeks, a can-do attitude, and more blind faith in their talent than maybe even armed with talent. But as Steve Martin says in his book Born Standing Up, "Persistence is a great substitute for talent."

In some ways I thought moving here would change everything, but it didn't. It didn't change my drive — it encouraged it. It didn't change my energy — it grew it. It didn't change my goals — it clarified them. Making this move has made my life more pointed. I know where I want to go, and all of my choices (I hope) are evidence of that, down to the variety of jobs I've held since landing in La-La-Land.

Even now, after months of go-go-go, for the last four weeks I have spent an unusual amount of time sitting down — first in my car — then in a chair — that's in my office. So much sitting at this new job, a short term gig that will take up my days until the end of the year. It's too much sitting for me. I don't know how so many people do jobs like this for their whole lives. The only logical reason that one could do this much sitting is because it's what you have to do in order to keep living in Los Angeles because living is expensive and when you're not at this job you're trying to be a paid actor. (Run on sentence to illustrate my psychotic ability to do a million things, however frantically/poorly.)

I am so thankful that I know this won't be how I spend my life in the long run. I am so thankful that I am not content to bounce around from day-job to day-job without the hope that my persistence, talent, comedic sensibility, look, and all these things a million people have, but that I somehow illogically think will make me different — will actually make me different.

And it's fine. It's fine that this is what you have to do. People don't talk about the grind they had before they did what they want to be doing. It's the first chapter to the rest of your life. So right now, yes, it seems that most of my life is going from one sitting job to the next job I sit at, but fortunately for me, there's a smattering of film projects, sketch shows, improv performances and auditions in between. I am so thankful.

But seriously — I cannot believe how much sitting I do. (My next post will be a break down of the amount of sitting I do, if you're curious.)

So here's to being here for another year, and all the years after that.

smiley face cookies

Today I was busy. Busyness is key when you have nothing to do. Errands remain one of the great time eaters, and that's what I did. I ran errands all day. Then, when the time arrived to fill my gut with cookies, a traditionally wonderful thing to do when mildly depressed, I looked no further than Highwood's Il Mulino Bakery. As my mother would say, "It's a touch of Europe right in our backyard." I told her she should be a copy editor or at least in advertising/marketing, but I'm pretty sure she'll stick with nursing.

The Smiley Face Cookie has been a staple in my life since I was six. On Saturday mornings my dad would generally pick one out of the six of us kids to take to the bakery, and pick out cookies for everyone. Whenever he would take me I would ask for the Smiley Face. It is a day-brightener to the highest degree.

You know the worst thing that could ever happen when dealing with Smiley Face Cookies? I'll tell you. The worst thing is going into the cookie box and realizing that your choice is not there. The worst thing is seeing the crumbs leading toward the stuffed face of your younger brother. He literally turned my smile upside down and ate it.

This, this was the last straw.

The one thing truly good about my day today was eaten. $2.50 down the belly. And, let me tell you, when it comes to eating someone else's Smiley Face Cookie, all I can say is, "Good Luck," because that pathetic "Sorry" doesn't cut it.

Exchange/ Caricatures/ College: no cohesion

Recently I've been posting a lot of entries on OdeMagazine.com. It's been a nice change of pace. I'm writing short blurbs on interesting events, people and places—plus I'm commenting on other exchangers' posts. We're trying to drive more traffic to the web, and one way to do it is by adding more content regularly throughout the day. This is where I and my colleagues come in. Oh, and you too. We're planning on redesigning our site in the near future to make it more of a social utility allowing readers to have more of an interactive experience with Ode.

So far there haven't been a lot of comments on stories, posts or profiles. I've taken it upon myself to start writing on random strangers' exchange stories. Whether they're argumentative or in appreciation doesn't matter much. I pretty much just write a caricature of what I would have said in real life if an actual friend of mine had said whatever it was whomever wrote. I use the word caricature all the time, and what about those people who make funny drawings of people who pay a rather large sum for something a 6-year-old would have done free and with more enjoyment. Anyway, I always used to want an actual picture caricature of myself, but now I'm glad I don't have one—though there was this one time a neighbor of mine had an artist friend visit from Finland or somewhere in Scandinavia, and he drew me. It was too true to form though to be a caricature. Anyway, caricatures are neither here nor there.

ODE. Yes, Ode's been cranking out web pieces left and right. I've been writing around 3-6 web stories per day along with completing various other tasks. My point in all of this is to simply say, check it out, here, if you will. You can even add your own pieces. I like interactive story sites like Ode's offers. It's none of that iReport crap that CNN.com has. I seriously hate that stuff. Sometimes they'll write full stories based solely on iReporters. It's stupid. Plus, aren't they stealing that whole "i" thing from Apple?

Sorry this is scattered, I've got a lot on my mind, and it doesn't help that I cant' concentrate because I'm sick. I've had Dayquil, Nyquil, Zicam, Benedryl, Allegra, cough drops and chamomile tea—still, I am sick. Season changes never cease to ruin me (I had reunion me, originally, that's how scattered I am). Speaking of changes, or rather transitions, I'm moving back to Chicago in a bit. My last day at Ode is next Friday, November 14. My mom's flying out, we're going to spend the weekend in SF, then drive down the coast in a rented set of wheels to LA. We're visiting my sister and my college roommate, Elizabeth Steele, and it is going to be glorious. We'll be back by the 21st. Life is just going again. Pretty soon I'll be 40, and then what will I have to write about. Gees. I miss college. I never thought I'd be one of those people, but I am. I look at the photos of my friends who are still in college and really just want to be there too. I'm seriously thinking graduate school. International studies? History? We'll see. I miss classroom learning.

I've only been awake for seven and a half hours.

1. I finally found my to-go mug, and now I can't find the cap. So, since I had already poured my tea in my New York Times embossed cup I decided to take my chances at spilling. Mistake. I was in a rush, as per usual, and had to carry not only my cup without cap, but also my bowl of oatmeal and spoon, eight blocks. In attempts at having less a chance of spillage I thought, sure drink a huge sip of tea once you get to the stop sign. Piping hot. Mistake. I spit it out all over the sidewalk in front of a nice old Asian lady out for her morning walk. Once I got to Marco's car he thoughtfully opened the door seeing my hands were full and wet thanks to the tea. I ate my oatmeal quickly.

2. Today I called Brazil. I had to reach Stephane at his bookstore Galerie 1618. Brazilians speak Portuguese, Brigid Marshall's speak English with highlights of French. Handy. No, for real. I spoke to one of the employees in French because he didn't know English, and I am unfortunately not blessed with knowing Portuguese. Stephane was out, but now I have his cell phone. Alright. I get off the phone and am greeted to the wonderful sounds of affirmation. Whoa. Nice. Wow. Feels good.

3. Lunch around here runs like clockwork. It's 12:55 p.m. someone is going to Whole Foods, Safeway or somewhere else magical. Marco asks if anyone wants to join him, I say yes, hold on, as does Katie. But I look up a few minutes later. I had to finish printing a fax. They're gone. All gone. I went to Safeway instead. Got a baguette, some spinach, four plumes (I hope I like them), Special K Red Berries and a roast beef sandwich. Should be good.

Time, Space, Photos and Speed

I read this today:

"Everything is temporary. And that is neither good, nor bad; it's just temporary."

I don't know who said it, I just know i like it, and so, I wanted to share it.

It's funny, after reading this I suddenly wanted to know what the visual representation for time was. Naturally I googled the word time, clicked on images, and after getting a couple digitized numbers and then a few Time, Inc. Magazine covers, I found this photo. This blurred photo of people moving too quick to be captured. I like the idea of moving too fast for someone to actually catch you in focus. Something really cool about that to me.

ABC's to Stress

ABC's popular television show, Lost, has been occupying most of my time as of late. I don't have cable at my house in San Francisco, I didn't have cable at my house in Iowa City, and my brothers were watching cable at home so I never was able to in Lake Forest. So, I don't really watch television. I'm not against people who do. I don't think it does bad things to a person. It might be an escape from reality for many viewers, but honestly, it's not that big of a deal. My housemate in San Francisco thinks television should be just one of those things you do when you're sick or there's a special like the Olympics or Living Life Organically. What have you. So, as I have few friends in this city it's been easy to slip into sort of a groove where I work all day during the week, periodically hang out with a friend or two, and then settle down in the confines of my bed, flip open my Mac Book, type in www.abc.com and let it lead me to Lost.

I know, I know. I should go to a coffee house. Meet some random people, become best friends, la-dee-da. But I'm too tired during the week, so Lost it is. While I'm clearly a fan, as I've gotten through 2-and-a-half seasons already, I think it's the main reason why I wake up with a headache. See, I clench my teeth when I'm stressed out or feeling anxious. I do it without noticing, and I usually do it while I sleep all night. It causes me to have really sore teeth and tender cheeks and temples. And headaches. Oh, the headaches. The doctor says it's TMJ, Temporomandibular Joint disorder. Lame. Since I have this quite regularly I sometimes sleep with a sort of mouth guard in, but I left it in Chicago, because I hadn't needed it in a few months. I thought I was over it. No dice. Lost apparently makes me all tense. I think it also my be this new job. I've been here for about a month and still feel a bit tense, and now that my main overseer isn't in the office daily, I think it might be better. I don't feel as much stress to get everything done super quickly without mistakes. I work better when I'm just all by myself. But, I guess with any new job one has to adapt. I just hope these headaches go away. It's not healthy to pop Ibuprofen daily, but it does make the pain subside.

For now, I'll simply have to cut back on Lost and instead get calm before I rest for the day.

A Time Bomb

I have a problem. It's a problem regarding my usual problem. Yeah, the one regarding "time."

I'm a complainer, so kill me, but seriously, I'm always caught in between this problem of time.

It's either:

1. I have none

2. I have too much.

Either way, it bothers me. By the way, I am open to solutions.

Me & My Computer

I am drowning. Thank you Natalie Dee for creating cartoons that depict my life.

List

A. Global Media
1. Travel Writing Article-Thailand, Due: Wednesday, May 2
2. Bake Irish Soda bread for Wednesday
3. Soliya Log, Due: Wednesday, May 2
B. Fiction Writing
1. Read Novella and write a response, Due: Thursday (counts for 2 responses)
2. Read short story and write a response, Due: Thursday
3. Second Short Story, at least 10 pages, Due: Thursday, May 10
4. Portfolio, Due: Thursday, May 10
C. French
1. Dossier Voyage=Ten page paper in French, Due: Friday, but Thursday for me
2. Put together a scrap book of my make-believe French trip, Due: Friday, but Thursday for me
3. French Oral Final, When: Thursday, May 3 at 9 a.m.
D. Shakespeare
1. Read The Tempest, Othello, Macbeth, & Midsummer Nights Dream
2. Midterm, When: Monday, May 7
E. Arts & Culture R & W
1. Extra Credit Book Review Due, Thursday, May 3
2. Paper Project on two Reviewers I like/dislike, Due: Thursday, May 3
3. Enterprise Rewrite, Due: Monday, May 7

Loads of things

It seems like everything at the end of semester is just another "thing" to add to the innumerable amount. My head might explode. I gave up Spider Solitaire and cookies for Lent, and only recently have I begun to eat cookies again and yes, I even downloaded Spider Solitaire. I didn't want to do it, but it just "takes the edge off." Instead of a beer to relax, I stare at a screen because in that game I control it all. Sometimes it feels like I have no control over anything. It's tough, but I know all of this stress and busyness is worth it. But right now, I'm tired.

Here's a picture that made me laugh today:

Like clockwork

I miss:
-reading for fun
-going to concerts and dancing like a crazy
-whistling
-the days when my butt wasn't in pain after doing homework
-talking to my sister on the phone regularly
-out on a lot of stuff, but i do other stuff
-white sox games
-being right most of the time
-snail mail
-listening to an entire album while driving
-sleeping more than 6 hours


I think the name of this year in my chronology of thoughts since birth would be titled "Time: Having, Yet Not Having."

While at the same *time* I also think I need to spend it better i.e. on things that will last. It's hard to tell the things that are important from the unimportant when I'm so close to it all. I need to back up and look at things from a different perspective.

Busy Bee, Busy Body

I'm currently spinnin' the tunes here at KRUI 89.7 It's alright, you know, just kind of time consuming.

That's pretty much the story of my life. I like what I'm doing, but what I'm doing is making it difficult to like my life. It's a tough line to walk, but as Mr. Cash said, "I walk the line."

The real question proposes whether or not I walk that line well. Am I just a drunk person wobbling through or is my sanity there enough to get into my car and continue driving?

Tonight I have to make my way through the tundra of my snow-covered campus to see Romeo and Juliet. I hope I don't fall asleep.

"More than anything I want to see you go take a glorious bite out of the whole world"- snow patrol

Yesterday I was kind of being a whack job. It was basically because I've been tired ever since I was born, which is to say, this year I was born into some other being other than myself. What I mean by this is only that since I have been tossed into the mixed salad of upper journalism -- namely the newspaper, content, KRUI and class -- is that I think I've bitten off more than I can chew, but I like the taste. Stupid metaphor. I can't even take credit for it. I heard my Content Editor-in-Chief say it today.

However, all is well, even though it's been three days and already I'm showing signs of stress. Please, watch for red flares emanating from my inevitable distress. Smile and nod.

The other day I finally got Snow Patrol. I was meaning to get it so many times, but always I get caught up in whatever it is I am doing, and I forgot...numerous times.

Since I've gone to Thailand, you know scoured the globe (pah) and now that all my study abroad buddies are back I'm just itching to get a move on and see things. I don't even know why I want to, other than wanting to practice french. I have my meeting with my study abroad counselor tomorrow. If all goes well I'll be able to sign up for a program soon enough. Everything is happening so fast. Pretty soon this semester will be over, I will (hopefully) have an internship, Brian will have graduated, Sean too, newspaper will end for the semester and what will I have to show for it all? Not to get sentimental, but honestly, life does fly by.

Until next time