Pondering loneliness

"We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?"

- David Foster Wallace

"'Don't you want to join us?' I was recently asked by an acquaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted. 'No, I don't,' I said."

- Franz Kafka

For me loneliness is a toss up. I often elect for it, but when it's just happenstance it feels like emptiness. There is something nice about not having to do anything, impress anyone or go through any sort of motion, but there is so much worth in spending time with others. There's a lot to be learned, at the very least, in as much as the same way that spending time solo can. All in moderation?

I suppose in some ways a belief system involving a creator might as well be a crutch for the lonely, but what's wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with being aware that there's a reason loneliness feels like you have lost something? Then again, there's nothing wrong with taking time to check in with yourself, think, rinse and repeat.

5 Things I...

Love:
1. ample free time
2. streak free windshields
3. ryan adams & the cardinals, "stop"
4. crunchy peanut butter
5. reading outside when there are no bugs

Do Not Love:
1. Tardiness/rushing
2. Explaining things that should be self-explanatory
3. Dirty table cloths
4. Crappy power steering
5. When you can only find one of the shoes you want to wear

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals: "Stop"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLWEFv_gMxE


I know a sickness ancient and cross
No crucifix could ever fix enough
But in the basement of a church, these people they talk
There is a line that must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop

I know a place where the future is denied
I know a hand that twitches inside
For some of us the glass is filled with lights
But if the honey makes you sick, honey there is the line
That must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop
Stop

Slow down
You dont have to talk
Lie down
Breathe
Stop
Slow down
Its not your fault
Look around
Theres so many of us
Theres so many of us
You are not alone
Ever
Ever
Ever
Stop

Call in the backup and the backup comes
But nobody can help you if you wont
Inside your chest your heart is just hurt
Behind your eyes a need replaced a want

I know a sickness so ancient and cross
No crucifix can ever fix enough
I know a past where the future is lost
I know a line that must be walked
There is a darkness and there is a light
And there is a choice
For a balance to be made every night
A weakness must be found

If you want it to stop
Stop
Stop

5 Things I Love...

1. Rocking a side ponytail.
2. My green chair
3. Recognizing someone's scent.
4. Early, early morning air.
5. Banter.

Five Things...and more...

1. "Sigh No More," from Mumford and Sons, via Paul's Monday Music Emails.
2. Reading Ayn Rand books.
3. Bike rides when I have no particular destination in mind.
4. Clean bathrooms.
5. The porch at 1950 N. Burling 2R.
6. iTunes Genius mixes.
7. Not being nervous.
8. The feeling of closing my eyes to get them to stop stinging.
9. Unexpected hangouts.
10. Looking up lyrics.
11. Taking my hair down when it's been in a ponytail all day.
12. 7/11 Tollhouse Cookie runs.
13. Hand holding.
14. What Chicago looks and feels like at 4 o'clock in August.
15. Coffee ordered in a to go cup.
16. Chatting with my family on the phone.
17. Going to Sean's and sitting in his air-conditioned apartment for an hour before getting groceries together.
18. The pups.
19. Walking around barefoot.
20. Vacuuming.
21. Vacations.
22. Iowa City.
23. Hugs from behind.

"Who knew we'd never be younger than today?"

For the first time in a month I found myself with a spare 45 minutes and a mom on the line. God, I love her. I love that she's the one I go to for approval; I love that she has the ability to slice through my feelings like they're no big thing; I love that she can get me to admit all the things I'm stressed about, even as I know she'll throw in her unnecessary 25 cents; I love that this thought has been verbally expressed more than once: "Remember when I was in your womb?" I love her.

Periodically I'm struck by the concept of time shifting silently by. And it's almost unimaginable that some day I will look at my children and say, "You used to be literally part of me, friends." The moment I realize I'm 24 and today is literally the youngest I will ever be makes my heart race, not immediately because of stress, but because I have no idea why I am here, and I will just keep on going until I stop. And there's only so many moments left.

 

"Younger Than Today"
Ben Harper

You and I were looking at old pictures yesterday
Sitting in disbelief at how time slips away
Both at a loss for words to say, who knew we'd never be younger than today?

Foolishness protected us from the world outside
They could never come between us but we knew they'd try
We remembered living as if there were a way to forever be younger than today

Never looked at anything you didn't care to see
I was the one who wouldn't let you leave
Even though it was clear you couldn't stay
Had to try to be younger than today
Had to try to be younger than today

As we parted, you reminded me I'm alive
To remember when the stars danced just for you and I
May the shimmer of the summer always light your way and make you feel younger than today

Favorite Things Alli's Said . . .

1. "Why does he think you want to do him when you just want to friend his face?"
2. "I'm dyslexic."
3. "How much? — So Much? No! Traffic Light!"
4. "I think we just like to buy beer. But, we don't really drink it. We just look like we drink a lot because we have a lot all the time. That happened a lot at my old apartment. We had a ton of hard alcohol in the freezer when we moved out, too."
5. "We were totally neighborhood today. People asked us for directions."
6. "Tweaking."
7. "Umm, Brigid, this floor is really slippery."
8. "I left you glitter, so you can throw it around in case the apartment loses its sparkle while I'm gone."
9. "I dedicate my next two hours of dancing to you."
10. "Why do you never watch Gilmore Girls with me?"
11. "Cookie time? Party Time?"
12. "I have a thing for really neurotic animals."
13. "I don't understand cat people...They're bad omens...Like, I just don't get it...Maybe I don't get it because I'm allergic to them, but...they're really cute when they're new, but then as they get older they get just terrible...Occasionally a cat if raised by the proper human can be ok...but, like fat cats, what's up with them?"
14. "I'm at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell."
15. "We need to find the girl with the cutest outfit here, then beat her up and steal her clothes."

Every day with Alli is a day to remember.

To the night, Buenos Noches.

Too many moths linger around the light spilling like triangles from streetlamps. The air is fresh. It smells like freshly cut grass, though this city has but a few shaded patches, and more trees than anything else. Cars race by begging to stop, begging to be thrust into park, begging to put to rest their occupants. But, not in an RIP way. Street lights change every few moments. Bikers race by begging to be hit, begging to get home quickly, begging to stop. August wind doesn't cut like January's. It's soft and sweet and warm. And I am there, too. Stopping as the light beckons me. Stopping to fumble with my keys. Stopping because I'm waiting. Waiting for another soft gust of air as the night exhales. Leaving me euphoric. Waiting for nothing and waiting everything and waiting because sleep cannot come soon enough.