Friday, February 08, 2013

the things we do when we don't know what to do.

"You can't hurt me," she shouted defiantly from the roof deck of her three floor walk-up. The mere act of it was proof of everything that she hoped to stave off hurt. Evelyn Alexander.

After graduating from the University of Nebraska, she picked up and moved to California. She took up an apartment in San Francisco in the Mission District. She loved the vibrancy of the neighborhood, the colorful homes that danced along treeless streets, the sound of salsa reverberating from clubs and first floor garages, and the smell of fried tamales blocks away. She'd lived there only three weeks, but each day it felt as if it were all for her. As if every place longed to be explored by her. Three days per week she drove up to Marin County for her internship at a simple living magazine, but the other four were left for city expedition.

The roommates she found on Craiglist were unconventional and excellent partners in that sort of Lewis and Clark way. To be fair, all people who lived in the city of constant overcast save for their neighborhood, were perfect partners. Something about the air breathed casual adventure. The Mission, sunnier and warmer than the rest of the city, gained its name from the Catholic Missionaries of Mission San Francisco de Asis, who manifest destined all the way up to the bay area in 1776. And now it was Evelyn's personal manifesto to learn about herself through new happenings and change that would keep her busy.

"I can't be hurt!" She yelled it louder than before, determined to believe its false truth. She rubbed her forehead and leaned into the edge of the balcony, her shoes pressing against the right angle of the roof and wall. She was slightly inebriated from a night of sangria and dancing with her roommates.

Christine and Lila welcomed Evelyn into their apartment on Florida Street with open arms, as if they were sisters already. They had an empty room that faced the backyard; it was furnished with a wicker cabinet, a futon and a lamp with a red shade over it sat atop a round nightstand. Upon her first look, as she eyed everything she sarcastically thought all the room was missing was a hooka or some statue of Buddha. Looking out the bay window she could see a mismatching patio set, a lemon tree and plums that fell from the neighbors house next door into their yard. Come October both the lemons and plums were juicy and ripe for eating.

The three of them would sit on the back porch watching the sun set, the sky changing from a whitish yellow hue, fading into a peach haze before it completely darkened to navy. Christine had a record player and three records, which they would play over and again. Bonnie Prince Billy, William Elliott Whitmore and Pedro the Lion in a tripod rotation. Christine would often go to Amoeba Records in the Haight to buy more, but somehow either never made it there or would come back with a CD or a poster instead. She'd hustle up the twenty front steps to their kelly green front door, push her way through, and apologize before anyone knew what she was rambling about.

"There was a man on the bus telling me his life passions, and I missed my stop, and then I came home forgetting why I was out." Some version of this.

Her crackly voice didn't match her small stature. She had ashy yellow hair, coarse from years of dying it various shades of pink, red, orange, a pale complexion marked by freckles, and three moles on her right arm.

Whenever the front door opened, Lila would be there on the couch, a velvet faded cobalt blue number, reading her book, some biography, certainly about a random politician like Spiro Agnew or Henry Wallace. Between chapters, Lila mostly worked as a barista at Sugar Grounds around the corner or contemplated graduate school. She went to the University of California at Berkeley for undergrad. At five-nine, she was the tallest of the three and would often bring around guys in the 'about-six-foot' range. Ted, Lila's current boy, fit that bill, and was a regular in the ladies' kitchen, and could commonly be found drinking the last of the orange juice or scanning the pantry for nothing in particular. Lila would say, "If you want something, ask for it," to him time and again, but he never did. She'd psychoanalyze it later with Christine and Evelyn over bagel bites and ginger beers determining that perhaps she should take her own advice, be direct, and ask him to stop scrounging around her kitchen if he was hungry. "It's not even that he's hungry, it's that he just opens the fridge, looks inside and then closes it without grabbing anything. What is that?"

The three made for an interesting triumvirate: Lila bookish vixen, Christine high strung hippy, and Evelyn Midwestern escapee.

"You can't hurt me." Evelyn wiped tears from the corners of her make-upped eyes, whimpering the words and thinking of the joy-filled night she had earlier. Lila had invited Christine and Ev to come dancing with Ted and herself at El Rio, a local dance dive. It was on Mission Street and Cesar Chavez. The two singles said they would come, vowing to take life in stride and join in on the fun. Upon entering the club Evelyn was asked to dance nearly immediately by an elderly Latino man, who then led her to the dance floor which was three steps down, a sunken garden. Christine went to the bar, ordered a round of tequila sunrises and found a spot to watch those dancing. Ted was surprisingly good on his feet, swiftly guiding Lila who wore a black maxi dress and large coral red earrings that dangled loosely as she moved, her brown honey hair swaying to the rumba.

After a few dances Evelyn bid adieu to her partner who kissed her a wet one on the cheek before letting her join Christine for a cocktail. Then the two of them laughed and talked about their recent exploits. Across the bar the pair spied Lila, who had moved on from dancing, and waved her over. She left Ted to his own devices and joined her counterparts, all smiles and laughing. The kind shared by new friends that would inevitably be lifelong.

"I'm untouchable." Evelyn whispered it to herself. She sat facing the center of the roof patio, her back to the parapet. Lila and Christine were downstairs on the porch debating if they should pick plums as a deep neon rose haze overcame the sky. Evelyn got up dusting her exposed legs off with the palms of her hands. She would be fine. For now the bay was her calling and Lila and Christine were her life's blood.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

fair

It's not fair, is it? The way people make one another feel, that is. It's just the way it is, and there's nothing we can do about it. And while it's not a problem when you're feeling good, or when someone causes you to feel good — because it's goodness, yeah? — that doesn't make it any more fair, does it? It doesn't. It really doesn't. Fairness is a tricky minx with a fur coat.

We allow others to use us because we so want to be useful, want to feel important, want to feel like we're part of something bigger than ourselves if only for a day. We use each other. Over an over.

The reason we're so concerned with fairness is because of the constant jilting that happens in each relationship, no matter where you are on the timeline. Every time you think you get somewhere something happens that causes you to go back or skip ahead. The Game of Life. Ugh.

Paloma Faith illustrates this feeling in her song "Agony." It reminds me of a post I wrote on MightNotBeTrue two years ago or so.

"You wear your heart on your sleeve"

Picture this: Blood rolling down the sides of a hand; it drips down splashing delicately onto the top of a foot; a heart pumps to the beat of a metronome. The cuff of your shirt sleeve is dyed a deep pinot noir. The room is silent, save for the pulsating beat of that metronome and the slow drip-drip-drip crashing to the floor. It's the sort of silence that causes you to hear everything. With each passing moment the risk of infection increases, so you can't wear it out for too long. You might die — so we don't do it. We don't risk our health in hopes of clinging tightly to our humanity. We want to last a bit longer. Don't worry that we might not be living at all. But we all die anyway, so what's the difference? The difference is all in how it happens. Most people don't want to die of a broken heart, dried out, raw from waiting outside too long. We don't wear our hearts on our sleeves because we can't.


Use me take me home and use me
Press your hands into my body
You'll be my sorrow
We both know it shows
Push me
Make me feel I'm weightless
Running
We will not escape this
Shake this
You'll be addicted
I'll be inflicted.

This is agony
But it's still a thrill for me
This could end in tragedy
Pour yourself all over
Oh, no time to waste
Lets fall from grace.

Save me
Save me with your kisses
Give me
The angels and their whispered wishes
I wont fall down
My soul is bound.

This is agony
But it's still a thrill for me
This could end in tragedy
Pour yourself all over
Oh, this is agony
But it's still a thrill for me
This could end in tragedy
Pour yourself all over
Oh, no time to waste
Lets fall from grace.

Everyone says you're bad for my head
But I'm in denial
One look at your face
I'm back in that place
I'm feeling the fire
This is agony, this is agony.

This is agony
But it's still a thrill for me
This could end in tragedy
Pour yourself all over
Oh, this is agony
But it's still a thrill for me
This could end in tragedy
Pour yourself all over
Oh, no time to waste
Let's fall from grace. 

The real hurt of it is, though, is that it always ends in such a way. The best thing you can hope to gain from pouring your whole world into another person is that they die after you do. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it, but it makes it clear how much putting your hope in someone else is such a leap. It's no wonder that so many chose not to.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

fizzle

She felt like a classy, new, fun, fabulous version of herself. It had been years of simply doing the same old thing, but now after a slight revamp this little miss was ready to go out on the prowl. She was bubbly and full of personality, and interested in finding someone who would go ahead and just drink her up.

It was cold in her house, and even with her practically brand spanking new exterior, she couldn't help but slip on another layer as she waited for that lovely someone she had met at the grocery store earlier to pick her up.

Eventually he did come by, scooped her up with his massive hands, and held her closely for a time enjoying all she had to offer. They went back to his kitchen. She was sitting on his counter, feeling a sort of half fullness. He was staring at her, debating on whether to continue this courtship, if you can even call it that.

And after what seemed like no time at all, he walked away from her, went somewhere else, and found something else to satisfy him.

She was left there alone wondering how it could have all fizzled away so fast.

But there was still some of her left, there always is, it seems, just barely enough to remind herself of what she was: A Diet Coke can.


Friday, January 25, 2013

not ironic.

"I'm not this," Taylor Albrecht said to herself.

She was walking home from some guy's house. It was 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning. The night before she went to a party at a friend's house. She went home with another friend of hers. They messed around. She regretted it instantly. He couldn't have cared less...not necessarily about her, but about the other things.

"People fool around in their twenties," he would later say over the phone when he called to be vaguely chivalrous. "Yeah, people like Penny Marshall in the '70s," she'd answer.

She was supposed to feel good about the fact that he called her. She didn't feel good.

"I'm not this," Taylor said again to herself.

For as long as she could remember she had been in serious relationships with people she could picture a future with. And now, on the corner of Mesirow and Ronalds Street in front of Thai Thai Thai restaurant she found herself searching for a cab to take her home and away from this life she somehow walked into —four-inch heels and all.

A white Jeep drove by. She thought of the OJ trial. It had happened when she was in fourth grade. Talking out loud, wrapping her arms around her torso, "What was that, 1995, '96?" She was in Miss Devlin's class then. The week was a blur to her now, but she remembered watching that car chase and thinking how slowly everything was happening. That same year the Olympic Torch toured the US via train. It had stopped in her town. Everyone's parents took them out of school to watch as it pulled up to the train station, except her parents. Her parents had forgotten it was happening, so Taylor spent the day with Miss Devlin and Ke Xao, the new student from China.

As more cars drove by Taylor's memory was jogged until finally a yellow cab headed toward her. She unwrapped her arms to wave it down, but the cabbie missed her and went for a woman wearing appropriate clothes for a brisk fall day. Taylor didn't look like a harlot or anything, but she was missing the crucial element known as a jacket and should have been wearing flats at this hour. The woman, on the other hand, was obviously out for groceries or to run some sort of errand, maybe stop at TJ Maxx for some pre-Black Friday Christmas shopping. Taylor looked back at the scene and laughed, then said, "This is not ironic."

She was the person she thought she'd never become. Sure, she was experiencing this momentous 'walking home in the wrong outfit at the wrong hour in the wrong shoes' occasion six years after she was supposed to experience it as a freshman at the University of Wisconsin, but nevertheless there she was. The notion of better late than never passed through her mind. She judged it harshly. "God," she said out loud to no one but herself. "Some things shouldn't be late, they should just never arrive."

Her four-inch heels clicked on the sidewalk as she turned away from the cab. She started to take a step in the direction of her apartment, a mile from there.

"Hey!" It was the grocery-store-errand-lady. "Hey!"

Taylor turned, correctly assuming that the only other person on the street was in fact speaking to her.

"Who me?" Yes, of course you, she thought.

"Yeah, you need this." The woman had dark brown eyes and blonde eyelashes. She wore a pink hat and a green puffer coat. She looked like a teacher. Everyone looks like teachers when they're running errands — something about the frantic state one gets in when checking things off lists.

"Are you sure?" Taylor asked, clicking toward the woman.

"Please," the woman said. "You need this."

The woman smiled, understanding that Taylor wasn't a woman of the night and perhaps just found herself in a situation she hadn't foreseen the night before. This woman got it. She probably was Taylor at one point.

"Really?" Taylor stood in the street between the cab door and the seat.

"For sure," said the woman.

As Taylor sat down and closed the door, the woman waved to her. Taylor waved back and mouthed "Thank you."

She got that phone call from that guy. It played out as she thought it would. She told her roommates about her night. They all laughed about it like girls who didn't know what else to do. When telling the story later she'd say things like, "We're nothing but our experiences, right?" Then Taylor would remember that woman out running errands early on a Saturday morning and hope she might be her eventually.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

dancing with my own shadow


The lights go out, I am all alone
All the trees outside are buried in the snow
I spend my night dancing with my own shadow
And it holds me and it never lets me go
-
Of Monsters & Men

For most of my life I have lived as an atypical righteous good girl. Judgmental, sure. From a good place, always. It's only as an adult that I now live in shades of grey, though not quite fifty. I'm unsure of my life choices, unsure if there's a master plan, unsure if any of this matters in any way at all. One of my life friends (a friend I will retain for life) refers to himself as a nihilist and lives as such. He lives for today. Lives abroad. Cares about others. At times dresses in a style that would make a stranger wonder if he were homeless.

In a way that sort of nothingness is both freeing and emptying. If nothing matters than we're free to live without expectation, aside from the ones we may still decide to give ourselves. My friend has given himself the expectation that he will always aspire to learn about the world, himself and others, while abiding by the basic principle that his freewill should not affect or diminish that of another in a negative manner.

Honestly, I don't think a lot matters. Not to any serious point, at least. Is that sad? Probably. For me, I think that what matters is what you do in the moment and whether that will color the decisions you make thereafter positively. What matters is, if you can go to sleep and feel like you had a day worth living.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments
-Oriah, "The Invitation"

I've made choices. I've made choices that I once would have deemed poor, but now having made them, I don't feel badly because the terrible things that I assumed would come simply didn't. My fears weren't justified. What is that? How can I have been so convicted, so convinced, in other words, so sure? And this is where I am. In the middle of a sea of grey. Empty and full at the same time.

All I want to do is live in a way that won't fade away from memory. No words have ever rang more true than these:

"Everything in life is about being seen, or not seen, and eventually, everything IS seen." 
-Brooke, "Other Desert Cities"

Maybe I'm not a nihilist. And maybe I don't know what happens when we die, but I know that for now, what I do on a day-to-day basis can be found reflected in this notion of being seen. It's likely the reason I love to perform. You don't feel alone when you perform. Even when you're on stage solo. There's a crowd. And there's a bond, and even if it's fleeting, you remember it. Those moments.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

ducks

Cherry trees lined the edge of the river that ran through campus. Beautiful, sweet blossoms cascaded down from their branches, creating a light rose tinted pathway where couples would walk together after some dumb date. They'd hold hands and look at each other, laugh maybe, and they would be real laughs.

Greg and Sharon were on a good date. They had met freshmen year in a Post-Colonial literature class, bonded over doing crappy impressions of their German teacher's accent and ended up being the sort of friends to each other whom one calls when they can't sleep. Eventually they decided the other was attractive enough to kiss at this party they went to on Burlington Street during Spring break their senior year. All their other friends went home or to Panama City or to some other random warm place. From there it just seemed to make sense to transition their silly friendship into a romantic one.

"But if you couldn't ever watch Bridget Jones again," started Greg, grabbing Sharon's hand, "Then what lady comedy would you watch on repeat?"

Clasping his hand with both of hers, she smiled, thought for probably too long in regards to her movie preference and settled on Clueless.

"Clueless?" He poked her in the side, kidding.

"Yeah. It's a classic," she said, attempting legitimate justification. "It's a classic nineties film."

Unconvinced, he held her hand again, and they walked, looking ahead, and then to one another. Sharon blushed, and Greg liked it. Sharon had green eyes and light skin; her liquid foundation was Bobby Brown Porcelain. She was thin without being skinny and had soft features, which went against the grain of her, at times, cheeky attitude. The Burt's Bees Rhubarb tinted lip balm she wore daily was the pop of sass that showed her character.

"Paul Rudd's in it!" She couldn't let it go. She really wanted that justification. "Who doesn't love Paul Rudd?"

The answer is of course, no one, because everyone loves Paul Rudd. That smile — his wavy hair, and just enough crows feet to make him look less like a little boy than like a man.

"That's fair," answered Greg. He laughed as he said it. Sharon was so earnest in her hope to convince him of the merits of Clueless. "Everyone does love Paul Rudd, oh and that dude from Scrubs."

"Turk?" she questioned.

"Yeah," he responded. "Turk."

Greg smiled a no-teeth-smile, tightened his hand around Sharon's, then winked at her; the left side of his face scrunched, his mouth opened, and his jaw askew. He had light brown hair, parted to the side, and a beauty mark to the left of his left eye, between his hair line and eyelashes. Five-eleven, and of Scottish and Spanish descent, he had freckles along with a sort of olive complexion.

"I know, and this is why that film is a classic," Sharon explained, "Solid early twenties actors, a clever script, and a weird high school, college, step-brother/step-sister dynamic." She always used her hands to explain, which was hard when holding hands, but she just pretended as if Greg's hand was part of hers, and moved it as if its connection to Greg's arm was natural. "Oh! And the classic nod to Shakespeare's Emma."

"Even if Alicia Silverstone is in it?" Greg joked.

She paused, then responded, "Yes, even if Alicia is in it — Brittany Murphy cancels her out." It seemed as if she was done, but then she added, "And, well, Alicia isn't bad in this, it's everything after."

The pair continued to walk along the river path, and came to the waters edge. A couple of ducks were washing their feet, looking as if they weren't sure if they'd like to take a full dive in. Sharon saw them and wanted a closer look, so they moved to where the ground got marshy, and also ended up looking as if they were about to wash their feet.

"They're so cute," Sharon cooed, then pointing at the baby one said, "I just wanna pick that little boo up and take him home."

 Greg smiled at her, thought of her taking care of a duck, then for a second thought of her taking care of a kid in the future, then he let that thought pass, tucking it away for a later date. They backed away from the edge of the river.

As they came upon on a weird plastic bench covered in cherry blossoms outside the university's art building, Sharon asked, "Is this art?" a twinge of disdain in her voice.

Greg followed after her, saying, "Yeah, I don't know if we're allowed to sit here."

"There's no sign." She paused, "Well, I guess I'm sitting here."

She sat down, crossed her legs toward him, looked up, and beckoned him toward her. "And, you too."

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Normal

It bothers her, the way he would lick his fingertips after chewing back a bag of Cheetos. The way those fingers stayed orange, despite his slathered efforts, would stick with her throughout the day. Mary Lynn thought of it most often when sitting on the bus, riding home to him. They are a couple, unmarried, but he's hopeful. She's still unsure, always on the fence. Mary Lynn thought about how much she wanted to say, "Hey, buddy. You bother me, and here's why..." But she never would. Being honest would mean being open, and being open would then unseal all the possible pain and frustration that being open leads to.

"Cambridge," said the bus driver. It was a muffled 'Cambridge.' If she didn't ride that bus every day from downtown to her apartment she wouldn't know what he was saying. But she had lived in Boston for most of her adult life, so she knew a thing or two about the city.

Tom is his name. Her non-husband's, that is. He's a physically fit, guy. Wears ties regularly. Enjoys a bag of Cheetos after work on his commute home. It was the one thing he stuck with from his childhood. Most guys keep a daydream or maybe remember their first middle school girlfriend fondly, but not Tom. Cheetos were his middle school girlfriend, so to speak.

Mary Lynn got off the bus at "Lipton." It was a stop earlier than her normal routine, but she had to pick up a gallon of milk at the 7-Eleven because Tom had finished their old gallon earlier that morning. She knew he had drank the last of it because he was the only person in the house to blame. They didn't have kids, and truth be told, Mary Lynn didn't think she wanted any. It was chilly outside as she got off the bus, her Dansko shoes clunked with each step. She knew they weren't attractive, but they were comfortable shoes for the walk.

As she approached the 7-Eleven Mary Lynn began daydreaming about what her life would be like if she moved, or if she got a different job, or if she had kids. She imagined moving to someplace sunny. Earlier that year she had taken a semi-vacation to Captiva Island, Florida, for a wedding. Tom couldn't come because he had some work engagement. Mary Lynn didn't mind going by herself. She wasn't in the wedding, but it was for a friend of hers from college. They had gone to BU together. Boston University. So, she imagined moving to Florida. She imagined getting a job doing marketing for one of the boating companies on some illustrious pier. She imagined meeting someone new. She imagined all of these things without Tom.

Swinging the 7-Eleven door open, Mary Lynn scanned the store, knowing full well where the milk was located already. She moved past three rows, then turned. The milk was on the back wall near the beers and pop. She eyed the lowest priced full gallon of milk. $2.39. "Not bad," she said to herself.

"Excuse me?"

Before she even looked up she apologized.

"Oh, no, sorry, just grabbing a decently priced milk."

The "excuse me?" came from a man. He was tall, if not slightly overweight, but he had a nice face, a slight bit of stubble and straight teeth.

Mary Lynn looked up to find a nice smile.

"That's why I love this store," the guy added. "Convenient and cheap."

Mary Lynn smiled, mumbled a "Right," then an "Excuse me," flustered. She went up to the counter, paid her $2.54 for the milk and tax, looked back for a second, then left.

While walking the extra three blocks to her house from the store, she attempted to fish her keys out of her work bag, a black Timbuktu. It was hard with milk in one hand, and they were at the bottom. Outside her apartment she rang the bell for apartment 2R.

"Who is it?" That's Tom.

She pushed the button again. "It's me."

The door sounded, and she went inside to her life.